Two plus two has never been this hard

As a single dad (with an involved baby-momma, so don’t feel too bad for me), one of the biggest questions I’ve been wondering is how do you combine families?

I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. She’s a mom, I’m a dad. Our kids are even close in age! They’ve met and love each other. What does that mean for the lady and I, though? I know that I’m not just dating for me anymore; I have to evaluate my potential partner, her kid, their interaction, and their interaction with my kid.

When I get to a point where I find a woman I like, where there’s a spark, where I can get along with her kid, where she can get along with my kid, and the kids can get along with each other? That’s the ideal scenario right?

So what’s so hard about adding plus two?

When it comes to taking our relationship to the next stage, I get hesitant. We talk about finding a place and moving in together, but something’s nagging in the back of my mind.

There’s the crippling self-doubt, I guess. I’ve had a lot of failed relationships in my life. Several that I thought were going to be “forever” relationships. They’ve all had one common factor.

More importantly, though, I’m not dating just for me anymore. I’ve introduced people to my daughter, and while I can handle my own heartbreak should something happen to this relationship, I know I wouldn’t be able to handle hers. I couldn’t the first time when her mother and I broke up. I’m no stronger now than I was then.

Of course, you can’t live your life assuming things will go wrong. That’s not the example I want to set. That’s not the man I want my daughter to grow up seeing. I want her to be courageous. To love like she’ll never get hurt. And if that’s how I want her to be, that’s what I need her to see. She needs to know that if you want to fill your heart with love, you have to risk leaving it empty.

Those things are easy to say though, right? It’s easy to know what’s best, but a lot harder to do what’s right. I know the risks, and if I want to set the example that I know I need to, I need to face them.

But how do you risk breaking someone else’s heart who doesn’t even understand what’s happening?

It’s not a fair situation. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to my girlfriend, and it’s not fair to her son. We have one thing go wrong in our relationship and risk hurting four people.

That math sucks.

How do people handle this, then? What do you do to mitigate the risk?

You can go out of your way not to introduce your kids into the relationship, but then are you even taking part in the relationship? My kid and I come as a package deal now. If you and she don’t get along, there’s no way things can work out between you and I.

You can take things as slow as possible, but that on its own risks hurting the relationship. We’re not in school anymore. We’re not kids. We have lives, and ticking clocks, and bills to pay, and futures to plan. Even parents who don’t plan anything still have at least the next few months of their lives planned. (It’s weird, I know).

The most important thing is always to be honest with yourself, and to be honest with everyone around you. Tell the people who are important to you what it is you’re going through. Let them help you. Don’t let them make your decisions for you; remember that everyone has (or should have) their own self interest at heart, but if you love someone, you necessarily trust their advice.

Also, you have to remember that the worst case scenario is just as likely to occur as the best case scenario is. All the people involved love each other. So why shouldn’t everything work out? We certainly all deserve for good things to happen in our lives, and we’ve all put in the work to earn those things.

Being an adult brings complications into your life, and taking care of another human being brings even more. It doesn’t help to be naive to those complications, and obviously a level of care is required when you’re dealing with matters of the heart. But you can’t let weariness become cynicism. You can’t let worry draw you into despair.

Live confidently and love freely. If you get hurt, you can temper it with your positive memories of love.

Are you facing a decision like this? Did you already make it? What are the important factors you considered?

Shane's Life is a Fantasy Blog

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This is a companion blog to the podcast of the same name. Here we will write deep dives into topics that interest us. Ranging from sports, to politics, to beer.