Cheers to Vulnerability

“You are in this world, not of this world.”

Those wise words have been passed down from my late grandmother to my aunt and finally to me. Today, the second day of the new year, they have taken on a new meaning from a fresh perspective on things.

Trying so hard not to be of this world I slowly numbed myself to it not realizing that I was still not being in this world. By numbing myself to anyone who seemed like a perpetrator of bullshit, I was actually working very hard to strengthen the delicate bubble I formed around myself. I’m not saying that I should entertain foolishness (because I won’t) but instead of hardening myself to it I’d try flowing around it like water in a creek full of rocks.

This morning I got into a little argument, and I was honestly proud of myself. In fact, I was so proud that it’s what inspired me to write this post. Being proud of myself for arguing sounds crazy, but it’s true. It took a lot out of me to keep texting, but it was worth it.

Before this new year, I wasn’t the type to argue. I was the type to say what I had to say, let you say what you have to say, and then it’s done. Going back and forth was always stupid to me. Anything that I had forgotten to say during my spiel or wanted to retort after they say theirs was deemed futile and forgotten. I considered that self control and discipline. But today, I let myself be vulnerable. I stuck it out and fully expressed myself. I showed that I cared and, at one point, explicitly said so. Now, I consider my old way stubborn and hardening the bubble.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always had emotions. They run pretty deep, too. However, having had two climactic conversations (one yesterday and then another today) I realized that it’s one thing to feel the feels. It’s another thing to be vulnerable and share the feels.

I did it for the first time in a long time, and I feel like I want to keep doing it. I’m turning over a new leaf in 2016. (Shout out to all the people who hate new years resolutions.) I’m no longer gonna be the idiot that wears jeans to the beach. (That’s a metaphor. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate the beach.)

Do you know why I think that’s okay? Beyond just feeling good and proud of myself and not making what happened all about them, I was able to learn that even if you get hurt, being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. Do you know why I wasn’t disappointed in the conversations even though they didn’t go the way I thought was easiest?

I never understood why people like crab legs and lobster so much when even though the chef has cooked it, diners still have to do all that work to get to the flesh. For them, it’s worth it.

Being vulnerable, going through all stages of the argument and expressing yourself fully whether or not you get your way, to me, is worth it.

I say all that to say I wasn’t disappointed because no matter what goes wrong in your life, there’s always some little thing that makes it okay. It’s called the silver lining. Scroll back through your text messages, jog your memory on conversations prior, and you’ll find it. Wait a couple days, and it’ll hit you. Meditate and you’ll relieve yourself of the situation entirely.

So, this is the year I vow to dedicate to vulnerability. I’m a very sensitive person who has been smothering that sensitivity for a while. Being in this world trying not to fit into any of the personality molds issued by the media of this world I became a bird that wouldn’t sing in front of others, living out loud only in my head. This year I’m turning up the volume and growing emotionally.

Cheers.