Learning To Love Yourself Takes A Fucking Long Time — But Here’s Why It’s Worth It

I have hundreds of women messaging me looking for advice on all kinds of things: love, relationships, body image, confidence, following their passion, and finding peace to name just a few.
You know what the majority of these problems all have in common?
Our shared lack of love for ourselves.
We harbour so much hate and self-loathing within, which stops us from creating and living the good, peaceful life we all deserve.
It stops us from attracting healthy and loving friendships and partners.
It stops us from having the confidence to be ourselves, no matter what judgement we face in this world.
It stops us from saying no to doing shit we hate, and chasing our dreams, even if we’re the only ones crazy enough to think we can make it.
Our lack of self-love stops us from really living, you know?
15 years ago, I hated who I was. I was a 13 year old girl, trying her best to mold and edit herself to fit in-like so many of us do-but struggled to ever find my place.
I hated the way I looked. Actually, erase that. I learned to hate the way I looked. From the glamorous presenters on my favourite TV shows, to the pages of fashion magazines, all the way to the popular girls at school.
I learned to resent my tall, gangly frame, the Indian arch in my nose, and my caramel coloured skin.
I believed that none of my talents or achievements were in any way good enough, because I didn’t look “right”, and I wasn’t liked. It didn’t matter that I was one of the smartest kids in school, or that I was kind, or that I was a model student. That was all irrelevant. Because I learned to believe I wasn’t good enough.
And I carried that not-enough-ness like a weight in my heart for the next 10 years.
I wish I could tell you it didn’t matter.
I wish I could tell you I still managed to get my dream job, find an amazing man, and live a fulfilling life, despite my lack of self-love, but that simply wasn’t my story.
I surrounded myself with toxic people, whose poison seeped into my blood stream, and took a long time to filter out.
I dabbled with the idea of getting my nose straightened, the bags under my eyes lifted, and my breasts enlarged. Because I thought that maybe then, I’d feel confident and attractive enough.
I struggled in a string of jobs in the fashion industry that were bringing me no joy, because I didn’t think I was good enough to do something “smart” like become a writer.
I kept meeting asshole after asshole while mingling in bars, commuting on trains, and swiping on apps. They’d tell me everything I wanted to hear, then disappear in a flash, never to be seen again. And I’d be left looking inward, wondering what was wrong with me?
My life was a total shit show, and all arrows were pointing back at me.
And I knew I could do better. I knew I could be better.
There was a constant whisper in my heart, telling me that I needed to trust it, and that everything would be okay.
I had this feeling deep inside my soul, that there was so much more out there waiting for me to wake the fuck up and get it.
So I made a promise to myself to start.
That was all. Just start.
The chances of failing were small, and what did I have to lose, apart from this mediocre existence I’d come to know and call my life?
First things first, I stopped allowing other people to dictate my happiness. That included my parents, my friends, and handsome strangers.
Second, I started soaking up all the self-help books, blog posts, and courses I could get my hands on. I enlisted the help of a coach and mentors I admired. I stopped spending money on shit I didn’t need, and started pouring it into myself.
The best investment you will ever make is investing in your own growth — I honestly can’t stress this enough.
I realised I knew very little, and there were so many women who had already walked in my shoes and grown into strong, powerful women who were living their best lives. If they could pick themselves up off the floor, piece themselves back together again, and rise — then so could I.
I worked on the limiting beliefs that were holding me back, and the confidence that had been crippled since my high school days.
I worked on finding my voice that had been drowned for so long, and finally using it.
I focused on figuring out what I really wanted to do with my limited time here, and how I could find a way to make that dream match my reality.
I worked on learning to love and appreciate my reflection in the mirror. Not striving for perfection, but realising instead, that there is no such thing. It’s our imperfections that make us so beautifully unique, and the fact that we are all one-of-a-kind creations walking this earth should be celebrated.
In the midst of watching heartless industries try and brainwash us women into thinking we need fixing, and encouraging us to strive to resemble clones of one another, I said fuck that. I’m not going to be told what I should look like, or allow strangers to base my worth on my looks.
And now I’m doing all that I can every day to teach other girls and women the same.
To break them out of those chains they’ve been held in for far too long.
To show them that their value is not determined by the number in the back of their jeans, the colour of their skin, or their cup size. Their value is not based on how many people tell them they’re pretty each day, or by how tamed their hair is, or by the man on their arm.
Your value as a woman is made up of how you choose to value yourself.
I worked on everything above plus a tonne more, every day for the past five years.
Some days were sunny ones, others were grey and drizzly. Some days I didn’t feel like I was making any progress at all, and there were others when I’d look back in amazement at just how far I’d leapt on my journey.
And I’m still on this journey of learning to love myself. Because it’s never ending. There’s always a new level of growth we can reach, and new ideas and wisdom we can learn.
So many women ask me: “What’s the secret to self-love?”
And I always tell them the same thing. There is no secret, and there is no magic potion I can give you (though sometimes, I wish there was).
Self-love is a daily practice.
And once you look at it in this light, you’ll feel much less overwhelmed by the journey.
Forget next month, next year, or ten years form now.
What can you do today, that is going to take you one step further on your journey to truly loving yourself?
What can you distance yourself from, what can you say no to, what can you put a stop to, that is holding you back?
What choices can you make, who can you talk to, what can you learn, what can you think about today, that is going to swell the love inside your heart?
I am always learning. I continue to better myself every day. And there are days when I still find myself looking in the mirror, and having to remind myself that I love and approve of myself. But that’s okay — what’s important is that I do.
How will you show yourself love today?
Got any questions?
Want to learn how to love yourself, but don’t know where to start?
Send me an email: shani@shanijay.com :)
Love & light,
Shani x
