A Gift Guide For Single Women Because Email Marketers Ignore Our Existence
The ULTIMATE list of gifts that won’t make you feel like abandoned pool water.
I was still vacuuming up fake cobwebs and packing away my faux gravestones when the holiday gift guide emails tsunami’ed my inbox. If this is where we are, fine. I’ll play along.
What I won’t do this year is suffer through tailored gift guides sent by stores from fashion to fishing tackle without ever once curating their gift guides for single women but instead assaulting our inboxes 20+ times per day with reminders that we’ve no one to shop for. On the fire with this. Kill it dead.
OMG Shani you’re such a whiner, who cares? All the gift guides are for women anyway, just shop those and crawl back in your single girl hole with your kitting.
Single women, I see you, with your empty spaces beneath your Christmas trees and your piles of nothing next to your Menorahs and since you don’t have tons of loved ones or offspring to shop for (or receive gifts from) this holiday season, here’s what I think you should buy for yourself. I am also happy to curate single women gift guides on theme, I take requests. Here we go:
- The Fuck It Bag: Buy the expensive purse you’ve had saved in your iPhone notes since April. It’s not like you’re buying whiskey decanters and beard oil and any of the other painfully overdone “masculine” gifts that make you feel sorry for a gender almost. Get a good quality bag, take care of it, and you’ll have it actually forever instead of things that are just maybe forever, like marriage.
- The Stupid Makeup Gift: I don’t know how this began, but makeup brands, bless them, started creating these “vaults” of product that sparkle and glitter like no Easy Bake Oven ever did. Ridiculously huge, most certainly expensive makeup sets are grown-up toys. No I don’t care if you only use three colors down to the aluminum and just re-create makeup looks from Labyrinth with the others when you’re bored. It’s the holidays, this is fine.
- A Basket Of Treats: If you want some gold-foiled pears, get some goddamn gold-foiled pears. Don’t settle for the gift basket scraps your boss leaves on the office kitchen counter like alms to the poor—buy yourself somethin’ nice and delicious. Sharing? I don’t know her.
- Just Really Good Pajamas: Sexy? I don’t know that bitch, either. I’m taking about long-sleeve-long-pants revealing nothing cozy-ass pajamas that you have to impress or turn on literally nobody in. Get the color you like, get the fabric you like, get the matching slippers that look like unicorns—F it. Save the terribly complicated and quite frankly cold lingerie styles for a different phase of your life. This is where we are right now.
- A Plane Ticket: This is “the big one.” If possible, buy yourself a plane ticket somewhere you’d really like to go. Not somewhere everyone tells you to go, not somewhere Instagram FOMOs you to go, just a place you would really like to be. I cannot recommend solo travel enough, not to eat/pray/love or “meet somebody,” but simply to enjoy your life. If you ever walk around Rome or Paris with all those amazing sights and carbs and the only thought in your head is that something is missing, please email me and I’ll send you a video of myself screaming some damn sense into you.
Happy Holidays to single women and their pets only. I hope you get everything you want.