Telemarketers — The People’s Power Rankings

Evan Shank
Sep 5, 2018 · 6 min read

In response to the power rankings published by our oft-maligned commish (read here), the need for a slightly more analytical, round-based power rankings became clear. While the honorable commish did a fine job putting these together while running the day-to-day operations (mainly investigating Breesgate, more on that later) of our league, the members demanded a second look at the draft. And so we begin:

Approach: The nature of the snake draft means people often draft with pairs or groups of picks in mind to address team needs, so I’ll start by providing a tiered ranking (Solid, Fine, Whiff) of each owner’s bi-roundly performance. In later rounds I’ll group more together because a) I don’t want to write that much, and b) very little of note will happen in those rounds (barring a few surprises). I’ll then aggregate those rankings to a final weighted score, and make any tie-breaking or eye-test adjustments as needed.

Rounds 1/2

Solid: Mosley, ChampChamp, NoName. No complaints here.

Fine: Gruden (DJ ahead of Gurley, idk. Don’t love freeman pick that high), 2Months (Hopkins dependent on young QB, could be fine but I worry about sophomore slump) , 3–28 (Would’ve gone Gurley 1, think this is the year contract stuff with Le’Veon affects numbers), Dovel (Saquon rookie pick makes me nervous), FakePMB (risk of two one-hit wonders in Kamara/Hunt).

Whiff: Johnson(Arod and Gronk 1&2. If there was a Tier 12, I would put him there) Saul (Two questionable WRs without being able to get an RB until pick 30. yuck.)

Rounds 3/4

Solid: Dovel (Love the T.Y. pick with Luck back, Thielen should benefit from Cousin’s passing numbers), Mosley (Fitzgerald has bested father time, and how the heck did he get Melvin Gordon at 23?? might be the steal of the draft…Mosley is onto something)

Fine: FakePMB (Drake a bit iffy), Gruden (Browns WR scares me), Saul (needed RBs, took what was there), 3–28 (don’t love McCoy in a PPR league with Peterman/Allen), Johnson (Diggs will be good with Captain Kirk, Henry is a little iffy).

Whiff: NoName (these rounds are too early for TEs), 2Months (ditto), ChampChamp (Evans is boom or bust with Jameis issues, not sure I buy Keenum in Denver throwing to Thomas)

Rounds 5/6

Solid: Johnson (I think Smith-Schuster and Collins are sneaky good picks here) FakePMB (Tate and Davis are both top target guys on their teams), Gruden (Woods and Hogan are two solid WR pickups in these rounds)

Fine: Dovel (Needed an RB, took Walker a little high), 2Months (Jimmy Graham is a good grab, but Dion Lewis will suffer from leaving New England), Saul (grabbed some decent RB options after front-loading WRs), Mosley (Crabtree could be solid, I think Olsen at 43 is a bit high)

Whiff: NoName (Gordon is a huge unknown, Ajayi has bust potential), 3–28 (wasted 5th pick on QB), ChampChamp (grabs WR & TE, heads into round 7 with one RB on the roster. barf.)

Rounds 7/8/9

Solid: FakePMB (Goodwin poised as top target for Jimmy G. Rudolph should mesh well with Cousins. Kupp nice option. solid.), Johnson (3 solid WR pickups for depth), Gruden (ditto)

Fine: 3–28 (Duke is a solid grab, Kelvin and Lynch are both toss ups with potential upside), Mosley (Took TB a little high, but added some depth to skill positions), NoName (Dice roll on luck, depth picks at skill spots), Dovel (nothing terrible, nothing exciting)

Whiff: ChampChamp (Wentz & Jags defense 8/9? yikes.), Saul (Watson & Rams defense 7/9? double yikes), 2Months (Cam at 7. Sheesh.)

This is where it gets a little fuzzy. Round 10 and beyond are generally depth picks, dice rolls, and defense/kickers. I cannot come up with a reasonable explanation for why over half the league took a kicker before their last pick, but my disdain for this will be reflected in the rankings. I’m mainly looking for potential and lack of stupidity here.

Rounds 10 and Beyond

Solid: FakePMB (Stafford, respectable K and D/ST with final three picks, potential upside with Gallup/Ridley. Crowder/Carson solid options as well), Dovel (Picked up some solid fill ins at RB before snagging Goff and Lutz with last two picks. well done.), NoName (Fuller and Stills are good snags, thank you for taking a kicker last. I’ll be kind and look past Sefarian-Jenkins.) 3–28 (don’t love your picks but you took a kicker last)

Fine: Everybody not in the other two. The only thing worth noting here is that Mosley, yes the same Mosley who snagged Melvin Gordon 23rd (Fantasy pros had him as the 10th best player overall) also got DREW BREES with the 138th pick. I see a pattern, and I’m not saying this is collusion, I’m saying it’s the largest collusion scandal this league has ever seen. The commish needs to answer for this.

Whiff: Mosley & Gruden. You both took kickers with THREE PICKS LEFT IN THE DRAFT. Mischievous and deceitful. Chicanerous and deplorable.

The Results Are In

After analyzing the tiered rankings and assigning weights to the different tiers (scoring system will remain proprietary) so that somebody who whiffs in the first round (Michael) is penalized more than somebody who whiffs in the last (special teams lovers), I arrived at the following rankings:

  1. theFakePMB: 67.75 - Call it bias, call it intuition, call it whatever you want. Fact is, the deepest team in the league drafted solid talent at the right times. The value investor of the league for you finance buffs.
  2. Cornealius Mosley: 66.25 - Maybe two of the biggest steals in the draft with Gordon and Brees. May lack slightly in depth of roster, but has what looks to be a proven weekly line up and should make plenty of noise.
  3. Dovel : 64.25 - One of only two ‘whiffless’ rosters, Dovel’s squad will count on the emergence of Saquon, continued growth of Thielen, and comeback of T.Y. Should that happen, he’s got a squad without a lot of gaps.
  4. Gruden Grinders: 59.75 - Nothing jumps out at you about this roster as a huge threat, but neither does anything as cause for concern. He holds a lot of players that could go big on any given week which will be a true test of management skill. If he can nail the matchups, he’ll go far.
  5. Johnson: 53.75 - Make no bones about it, he 100% botched rounds 1 & 2, but I really liked his later rounds. A little thin at the RB spot but recovered well with his WR corps, and has his guys at QB and TE. Could make some noise if an injury bumps one of his split-backfield RBs to a true RB1.
  6. A Team Has NoName: 50.25 - A Team also has no WRs. I like his options at RB, but spending too much on Kelce and taking the chance with Josh Gordon could leave him struggling for options out wide. Baldwin is fine, but he better hope somebody else has a breakout year.
  7. 3–28: 48.75 - Pretty middle of the road draft here. Nothing shockingly bad, nothing surprisingly good. Went for Russel Wilson too high, and has some ‘question mark’ guys in Kelvin Benjamin, Amari Cooper, Marshawn Lynch, and Jimmy G. Volatile roster, could prove to hand out some surprising losses if it’s in the cards that week.
  8. ChampChamp: 41.25 - Quickly fell off after a solid round 1/2 with some questionable draft strategy. One of the most questionable RB corps in the league, and After AB I’m not sure he makes up for it with WRs. He’s got 3 QBs, wasted top 10 picks on two of them, and may have put himself in a hole that will be hard to get out of. Let’s go with ChumpChump.
  9. 2 Months Later: 38.25 - One of two teams to not log a single ‘solid’ round, another team with some questionable strategy. Went too high on QB and TE which left him thin at the skill positions that you can load a roster with in PPR leagues. Don’t love the bench, and think some of his early picks may not pan out this year.
  10. Better Call Saul: 36.75. I really regret having to do this, but as the second team not to log a ‘solid’ round, this got out of hand after rounds 1/2. Two questionable WR picks early left him thin at RB with an injury prone TE, with not much to speak for in terms of depth. A lot of boom or bust guys on this team I fear are more bust than boom. Better hope Watson has an MVP year and AP finds the fountain of youth.

So there you have it folks: the people’s rankings. While I didn’t intentionally try to place myself first, the weighted algorithm has spoken. I look forward to a season full of bogus trades, collusion, and a full investigation into how Tez got Brees & Gordon so late.

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