Is Your Relationship More Than Just A Story You Tell?

Unavailable relationships are defined by the fact that neither party is showing up fully as themselves. In essence, we play a cat and mouse game where one is always seeking more vulnerability from the other, and it ends up at the expense of their own (opposite ends of the same spectrum). When we’re emotionally available, we intuitively know what works for us and what doesn’t; further, we develop the ability to turn away from anything that conflicts with our values.

When we’re still caught in the web of emotional unavailability, we often find ourselves seeking partners that we can love from afar. This situation is safe: our partner will never see all of us, and we will never see all of them.

When we “love” someone who can’t love us back, they will never be able to leave us heartbroken because they don’t get to know all of us, and because they’re not really present in the first place.

When the person we’re lusting over is made up primarily of the stories we tell others (and ourselves), it quickly becomes an excuse and a crutch for not seeking a real relationship. It’s easier to say we’re tied up by our feelings for Mr Unavailable that we just can’t see past him, as opposed to admitting we need to get real with ourselves and start making better choices that honour who we are. It’s easier to ceaselessly strive for someone who’s not there than it is to show up for ourselves day in and day out.

In healthy relationships, we don’t need to tell their story in order to keep them alive — it is evident in the fact that they are present in our life, and interwoven with our storyline. When someone is present in their relationship, they want a significant other to be an integral part of their life, and they show this in their actions (not limited to their words).

When we spend more time telling people about it, and less time actually living it, we may never get truly “heartbroken”, but we will also never truly feel loved for who we are — and that is such a great loss.

This article originally appeared on @thegoddessrebellion .

Shannon Leigh is a writer, hand letterer and modern-day curious cat who’s particularly fond of cold weather and big-picture thinking. She’s got an academic background in criminology and psychology because she’s always loved to study human behaviour. You can follow her on Medium, find more of her writing at The Goddess Rebellion or explore all her hand lettering and cat photos at @shanleighwats. Shannon’s new articles are posted every Tuesday for The Leading so check back weekly and please recommend this post!