My rules for the workplace bathroom
I never thought the day would come for me to be writing about this online, but in the name of justice and truly wanting people to follow these rules, I present: My rules for the workplace bathroom.
1. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING IN THE MIDDLE STALL UNLESS IT’S THE ONLY OPTION
It is absolutely shocking that some people do not follow this rule. The middle stall should only ever be used as a last resort. Leaving that middle stall open gives Stall 1 and Stall 3 a precious, much needed 30 inch space of privacy between each other. Taking up occupancy in Middle Stall (also known as No Man’s Can) is just a solid no-no…or a liquid no-no, depending on what you had for lunch.
2. THE HANDICAPPED STALL IS A COVETED SPOT SO BE A TEAM PLAYER PLEASE!
Obviously, we all love the big stall. It’s a dream seat, a golden ticket, a VIP moment in a less than ideal location. But we need to ration this.
If you know you’re just going to be in the bathroom for a quick pee, and your day is going well, save that dream seat for someone else who looks like they need it when they walk in with you. Sometimes people cry in the big stall! Or they’ve had a bad day and need to furiously take Buzzfeed quizzes with their pants around their ankles in a big, yet somewhat private setting. So make sure you rotate vacancy with this in mind!
3. DON’T TUG ON THE STALL DOOR ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?
We are vulnerable when on the toilet! We are fragile beings on a porcelain throne. So keep in mind, that when you tug on that handicapped door stall to see if it’s open, I literally feel like I’m going to die. I don’t know if it has to do with the violation of privacy or if it’s the sudden shock of it all, but I basically feel like Anne Frank every time that it happens. Just lightly give one push! Don’t yank back and forth you’re playing with people’s lives here!
4. THIS IS A PLACE OF SILENCE
Imagine this: You’re on the toilet. You’re catching up on the latest trending topics on Twitter, quietly having a moment, when two girls come in — loudly in conversation — and continue their conversation over the entire course of the bathroom experience. Absolutely not. We can not stand (or squat) for this. The bathroom is a place of silence! Words must not be spoken! I don’t even like to greet people in the bathroom with any more than a “hey”. To utter a “how are you?” is simply out of the question. Offensive. Save it for the water cooler!
5. THE LONGER YOU STARE AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, THE LONGER I SPENT ON THE TOILET IN FEAR
I believe this is mainly in regards to the women’s bathroom — but this could be a gender neutral thing, you feel me? I’m on the toilet and yes, despite my social media bathroom boldness, I’ve got a shy bladder! When you stand at the mirror fixing your hair, or just staring, or putting on makeup — the things inside of me, stay inside of me. And that’s what causes high blood pressure, and also C-sections.
If you want to look at yourself in the mirror, and someone else is in a bathroom stall, limit your mirror time to 30 seconds or less. Otherwise you literally owe that bathroom occupant a hand-written apology.
I have to say, that was pretty cathartic.
From the bottom of my heart (and the top of my colon) — thank you for reading this. I truly believe that education is the key and if enough people learn My Workplace Bathroom Rules, soon we will be raising an entire generation of bathroom-aware children! Imagine…the possibilities.
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