AWP and Me the Wrap up

AWP+Shannon=Meh.

AWP the wrap up.

I had a whole other thing written but, I decided to scrap it.

After a lot of thought, I won’t be partaking in or going to AWP again. Nor will I use their resources.

So let’s go over a few other things.

The accessibility in general was really bad.

I was with two fat folks, one of whom is disabled and uses crutches. I myself don’t have a serious mobility issue, but I do have really terrible vision (which was also a factor) and some other stuff going on that better accessibility would have been helpful for.

First issue. The signage was a problem for me. My vision is bad enough that reading the signs with those green with white text and blue with white text signs was difficult from a short distance away. Now I also did not find any accessibility stuff for folks who are blind or otherwise severely visually impaired. No audio, no braille, nothing. If it was there, I couldn’t find it and I looked.

One of those problems could have been solved with some signage with bigger, clearer fonts in black on white paper. I’m sure there are probably forty seven easily made solution that were just not thought out. Even some easily identifiable ushers who were not necessarily the Convention Center staff would have helped. As an aside, the staff at the venue was A+++.

Inside the book fair portion the bathrooms were up flights of stairs.

Let that soak in a bit. I saw quite a few folks using mobility aids of one sort or another, I went to the bathroom once and teamworked with another writer (OH HAY BOO HAY) who was using a cane to get up the stairs to pee. Now, if you are able bodied even with a full bladder it’d be fine probably. If you really had to pee and are not able bodied you could either risk the stairs, or go all the way back out of the book fair, around a corner and down a hallway to the accessible bathroom or one of the family/unisex bathrooms.

That is a long ass way to go if you really have to pee.

I don’t expect them to move the bathrooms but, a heads up would have been great.

Look the accessibility problems that are inherent in the space are things AWP couldn’t have fixed. What they could have done was include an insert with explicit and clear be on the lookout for, or very clear instructions on where to find the quiet room (I never found it though I needed it), the fact that if you go into the book fair the bathrooms are not accessible. You know, the type of thing you might tell someone who is say using a rental scooter to get around, gets to the book fair and finds they need to pee.

Going to panels, I saw some of the same problems. What was going on not clearly marked, aisles way too small and chairs way too close together for someone using a mobility aid larger than a cane to use. For folks who are/might be hearing impaired some of the public readings/performances were not mic’d nor did they have ASL interpreters so if you couldn’t hear them or understand them I guess you were just shit out of luck.

Overall, given how the issues of accessibility were treated by AWP when they were brought up before as well as problems with diversity, I am not surprised I was disappointed.

I was disappointed by being both hyper visible and invisible. There were quite a few presses that had they looked at me while I was standing at their tables might have recognized my name from support via donations and boosts or as a submitter or even in a couple of cases having been in their magazines. Some part of my brain kept up a running monologue about how it told me so, being so loud and non-anonymous about my opinions about certain goings on in the lit world, of course would probably make folks who recognized me at all, hesitant to talk to me.

My poor anxiety riddled brain started in with the bullshit. Had my partner and best friend not been there, I would have tapped and spent most of the rest of the thing in a hotel room probably crying and stress pooping. I stuck it out as long as possible.

I realize that the going narrative is that writers are SO grateful, and it was SO eye opening, and SO awesome. I hope it was for other folks.

AWP is just not for me.

As with the first time I went, the best part was my reading at the Unchaste event. I met some other amazing women, saw some really great reading and overall that was the best part of the actual AWP business bit.

Everything else, meh.

When AWP rolls through Portland, rather than paying all that money to be sad I might try to talk my partner into just going on vacation down there and doing AWP adjacent stuff. I loved seeing and meeting so many writers. I met an older poet after I grabbed his pretty chapbook out of a trunk, he signed it for me and I gave him my card. I talked design with some presses, if on Friday you heard people in the book fair yelling, “YEAH DOOM DOOM DOOM!” That was my squad.

It wasn’t all bad.

But, it wasn’t really good enough for me to want to pay to do it again. And let me officially apologize for lurking near some writers I was too shy to say hello to or introduce myself. I am so sorry I was staring at you.

Overall, I feel like I accomplished a lot in spite of everything.

To recap:

• I pooped at a truckstop. Huge personal accomplishment and I no longer am loathe to do my thing in public bathrooms.
• I survived Greyhound to LA.
• I spoke to folks I didn’t know, I handed out my business cards.
• I only really felt super pants shitting anxious once.
• I picked up a LOT of beautiful lit things. See also me not being too shy to ask for stuff.
• I did not freak out when some people recognized my face/name and were into me.
• I FINALLY decided I don’t have to be an AWP type author. That it’s not important to me.

All in, I came away with a lot of positive stuff, having happened and after some reflection I’m good. I was upset with myself for spending money like that and not having the awesome glowing experience I wanted but, I’ve settled on that’s okay.

So there we have it.

Awp+Me=meh and anxiety.