Dear Incels: Your Blue Balls Are My Historic and World-Changing Accomplishment

Lately the marketplace of ideas feels like an especially rough place for a lady to be. Various self appointed and distinctly vagina-free authorities have been turning women’s bodies into callous thought experiments.

First we heard Kevin Williamson contemplate the various punishments women should endure for having an abortion, including hanging.

Then, in the pages of the New York Times, Ross Douthat seemed to use misogyny fueled murders in Toronto as an occasion to casually ponder whether sex should be “redistributed,” including, apparently, to the friendless homicidal weasels who’d like very much to mow us down with their vans.

Initially, I thought such notions were meant to be the ideological equivalent of a KFC Double Down, willfully grotesque stunts engineered to make other ideas look feeble by comparison.

Then, I remembered we’ve had 6,000 years of patriarchy and that countless men have not only articulated such ideas but enacted them on women’s actual human bodies. Men like Douthat and Williamson would would have you believe they represent a fresh new burst of dragon energy, but the truth is their ideas are old as dirt.

In ancient Assyria women who got abortions were impaled and left unburied. The Visigoths put women to death via public execution for having abortions or, if they were feeling lenient, would merely blind and enslave them for the rest of their lives. For hundreds of years, the Transatlantic slave trade allowed white male slave owners to enact the “redistribution of sex” in the form of institutionalized rape of black women.

Today in Argentina, women face up to four years in prison if they have an abortion. Marital rape is still semi-legal in eight U.S. states. Domestic workers experience high rates of sexual assault and are often expected to endure these indignities as an unspoken term of their employment, presumably because some men believe these women are merely conveniently located vaginas that have been thoughtfully redistributed to their homes and hotel rooms.

In his manifesto, 22 year old murderous incel creep Elliot Rodger would go on and on about how women were not giving him any attention at all. Not a single minute.

People, that’s not a problem that needs fixing. That’s an accomplishment.

As recently as a few hundred years ago Rodger’s affluent family would probably have been able to arrange for his marriage to a woman. This woman, despite a lifetime of providing free domestic services like cooking and cleaning, would have been considered an economic liability to his family. Her father may have even transferred some of his own wealth to the groom to make up for inflicting him with such a penisless monstrosity.

Today that same woman earns her own money and can afford to not pair off with a turbulent lowlife like Elliot Rodger for the entirety of her gloriously Elliot-free existence.

So, to all the sniveling goons out there still under the deeply mistaken impression that anyone should care at all about how much sex you’re not having, the goal here isn’t to get sex redistributed to the Elliot Rodgers of the world. The goal is to take it away from all those who still have unwarranted access due to millenia’s worth of violence and other assorted fuckery against women.

Some small number of outliers among these men are turning to violence, as a result, no doubt. We’ve already seen that. The smarter ones are concluding they should probably work on being more kind, funny, thoughtful and/or helpful to women and humanity in general. Guess which of these two will enjoy continued access to the gene pool, should they want it?

I sometimes think about the women in Santa Barbara who didn’t get gunned down by Elliot Rodgers that day and what they may be doing with their lives now. Maybe some are earning their degrees. The majority of U.S. bachelor’s, master’s and doctoral degrees are now earned by women. Black women are enrolled in college at a higher rate than any other group.

Maybe some are buying houses. A record number of single women are now becoming first-time home buyers and what could be sweeter for a group of people who were once legally defined as their husband’s property than to acquire it? After all, you don’t have to be anyone’s ten to sign a mortgage.

Maybe some of the women who survived Rodger’s violence will someday soon see their wages raised from about seven to fifteen dollars an hour. Well over half of all minimum wage earners are women, so when the Fight for Fifteen movement achieves its goal, another major economic milestone for women will be hit, another parcel of largely white male wealth in America, redistributed.

It’s possible that one of those women will even join the record numbers of women running for high offices these days like Stacey Abrams who, if she wins, will be the first black woman governor in U.S. history.

For me, it’s more fun to do thought experiments that will actually become reality instead of those that will only seem more harebrained and offensive with the passage of time. The ideas Williamson and Douthat have been batting about are about as new and exciting as a tractor pull and desperate as a bad hairpiece. Such thinkers may still enjoy more than their fair share of cultural sway for now, but when the wind blows, I can sometimes see just how much of that power is already long gone.