Donald Trump, pussy grabbing and teaching my kids about consent

When I heard the audio of Donald Trump saying he grabbed women by the pussy, it triggered a memory that I buried deep down inside, which is my usual albeit not most healthy coping mechanism for traumatic events.

I was twenty years old and on a run, with my CD-man awkwardly strapped to my arm, headphones on. As I ran past a man who was leaning against a building, he suddenly reached out and grabbed me by the pussy. There is literally no other way to describe it.

I screamed and jumped away from him, while making sure to continue moving, now running backwards to keep him in view. I’ll never forget the expression on his face: he looked confused. Could a man who grabbed a woman by the genitals really be surprised that she had a negative reaction? In some ways, his facial expression disturbed me more than the violation itself.

I feel incredibly lucky that this is the worst physical violation I’ve ever experienced. I’ve had to push several men away who tried to kiss and grope me uninvited; I’ve had men grind on me at dance clubs uninvited; I’ve been verbally harassed by men countless times; I’ve had male friends touch me in ways that are inappropriate. But the one time I found myself in a sexual situation where I was no longer feeling comfortable, the man I was with heard my “no” loud and clear and stopped all physical contact immediately. Again, I feel lucky.

Over the past few days, I’ve spoken to many of the women in my life and read the words of many women I do not know. It is not an exaggeration to say that 100% of women have experienced some form of physical or verbal harassment by a man. I don’t consider myself a victim of sexual assault (which is pretty messed up actually) and my heart has been aching listening to women who are survivors of sexual abuse and were triggered by Donald Trump. He is toxic masculinity personified and I feel all sorts of way when I think about all that he represents in this country.

But I don’t want to talk about Donald Trump. I want to talk about consent and children and how we as parents can do better so our sons and daughters don’t have to live in a culture that downplays and normalizes rape and sexual assault.

The concept of consent is already big in my household, and my children are only 4 and 2. We say things like “when someone says ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or ‘I don’t like that’, you stop immediately.” My son can repeat this mantra and we try to make sure he gets consent from his friends before engaging in games, particularly games that are aggressive in nature.

My husband and I also make sure to model consent with our kids. So if we’re playing a tickling game, for instance, and they say “stop” while laughing, we immediately stop and explain that we heard the word “stop” or “no”. If they ask us to keep playing (which they usually do), we ask them for explicit permission to tickle them again and explain that this is called consent.

But consent isn’t just about verbal agreement; there is so much that can be gleaned from body language. When I notice another child looking upset, but not speaking up I’ll call my kid over and say something like, “do you think that child is having fun playing this game?” or “does that child seem scared when you are playing chase?” or “how do you think that child feels right now?” Teaching empathy and learning how to read facial expressions is just as important as learning to respect the words “stop” and “no”.

As with all parenting, teaching our kids about consent is a work in progress, particularly with the sibling dynamics happening in my household. But we will keep at it, because I want both of my children to deeply understand the importance of verbal and nonverbal consent.

For more strategies on how to teach kids about consent, check out the article, This is How You Teach Kids About Consent.

How do you talk about consent with your children?

P.S. Pussy Grabs Back, November 8th

This post was originally published on A Striving Parent