MY LIFE BE LIKE: The Prologue of My Story: Built For Resilience.
Embracing Resilience: Finding Joy Through Loss and Discovery
Sharing how my childhood has prepared me for adaptability change and strength. how losing my dream of motherhood shaped me to adapt to a life I can truly own. I am in a phase of life that comes from healing after the pain, and trauma that comes from losing your children. The loss is never ever truly over, however you learn how to move forward.
Back In the Day When I was Young
I have endured below zero temperatures in Upstate NY and unbearable life-taking heat of Southern Louisiana. I spent 6 of my 17 of my formative years in Germany, on the economy (off base) and on base, that experience broke my model of what travel and living could and should be. From kindergarten to high school I went to 14 different schools. When we were visiting family, I had to go to school there as to not break truancy laws. My dad had 6 different duty stations while I lived with them and was moving to his 7th station when they dropped me off for college.
I know something about being the new kid and can teaching a master class on adapting and making friends regardless. I know how to be a stranger and living as a stranger is a norm that is easy for me to fall back into. There are countless benefits that I enjoy for having a transit childhood. Living around people who are different from you, opens the door for you to be adaptable, resilient and open to the diversity of life, lifestyles, and cultures. I am more comfortable when I am out of my comfort zone, I feel a live when I am experiencing life outside of my box.
My dad is my ultimate hero, I am who I am because he has pushed me not to settle for the easy way. On top of my childhood being lived outside of the box. Between him and my mother my childhood was lived out loud. I am in my 40s and my dad is still my ultimate hero, you name a sport he can play it and taught us to play it, has mastery of a grill does laundry, and can put pigtails in a little girl’s hair. He can build a literal house if you need one, it fix your car, all the while, open doors and treating you like a lady, and be an awesome shopper.
If you meet my father you will get the super masculine solider that he is. If you are his daughter then he gave you tips on taking care of your haircare, help you shop for school, and look sharp, celebrated your shitty attempts at pottery, and reminded you that your only option was college.
My very quiet daddy supported me in my endeavors and gave me insight without being pushy. He does not try to tell you how you live nor how you should handle the details of your life. He gives wisdom and insight and then leaves you to it. I would not be here without his life lessons and confidence in me.
My father has always made me feel special and loved, I have met so many women who did not have that experience with their dads. This is so heartbreaking to me. I know that he is confident in my abilities and that he values my confidence in myself. His ability to respect me in this manner deepens the love I have for him. Because of him, and the life experiences he afforded me I adapt to the various situations I am in.
I DON’T BACK UP
I DON’T BACK DOWN
I DONT GIVE GROUND
I honestly feel if were not for my childhood I would not have the resilience to meet life head on, that I have today.
I Am Not A Kid Any More
Going to PWI was the first time I was placed into a racist system. The military has racist people who work in it, and racism is baked into the chain of command. However I did not encounter racism, like I did at Clemson. As the children of soldiers, we learned how to live, play and love each other. What I mainly encountered from others during most of my childhood was prejudice. Brats can always tell other kids who are not open to others and many times, when we ended up in school with civilian kids we still congregated together because we were more accepting of each other and our differences.
By having such a childhood that was surrounded by diversity of cultures, I have always been able to spot when someone is prejudice vs when someone is racist. This is an area of my life that I could not be gas lighten on EVER. By growing up amongst other who do not live like my family I knew I was not the problem at Clemson, but the racism that has been allowed to blossom in this ecosystem.
Being at a PWI I learned how to navigate being in a majority-white homogenous space in my brown skin. Though I have lived in a multicultural space for 17 years of my life. For the first time in my life, I learned to connect with my culture and the black community. I learned the importance of having community in the power of connecting when you are amongst those who despise you, just because your house paint is different from theirs.
I still excellently navigate PWI spaces and multicultural spaces that I find myself in. However, I have been dealing with anti-blackness within myself and seeing it in others. This is the germination of my deconstruction journey.
My husband is always in my corner and allows me the space to breathe, explore, and be. Dr. J is a very special man, I have told him and now I will share with you, if I was not married to him, I would not be married. I want to be free, to explore, be curious, to change, to adapt, and grow, he not only allows space for those needs, but he joins me on those adventures.
My husband is the cool guy, the guy everyone likes and he is the guy that is is everyone’s friend. He is the one with countless speaking engagements because folks want some of his light to shine on them. Many people think he is fake and untouchable. However, if you know him, then you know he is one of the most genuine and caring person on this planet. If he has claimed you as one of his then NOBODY better fuck with you.
I do not let my hair down around many people, my hubby and closest friends are the rare people who see that side of me. Because of me keeping that side of myself private, many times, my motives are misinterpreted. I have been called, cold, robotic, unfeeling, uncaring, and most offensive aloof.
Fam, I am a TRUE Virgo, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not only am I a Virgo, I am the also oldest kid of my sibling set left to be responsible for siblings many times due life-lifeing. I met Dr. J during a summer session before my fall semester of freshman year at college and life has not been the same since. As friends he protected and advocated for me. I had a roommate who was racist and had major issues with rooming with a black girl. She took it upon herself to write me a threatening letter because she did not like my night time studying and beauty routine. In fear, throw it in the trash and told my friends.
My girls, who are ride or die then and now over 20 years later, called Dr. J because he had a close relationship with the housing administration. This 20-year man made me go get the letter , out of the trash, then he proceed to read the letter, he went over to housing, and handle the situation personally. He did this for me as a friend, with NO benefits.
The next thing I knew, was I had received the option of moving to another room or she was kicked out of housing for the year. I choose the other room. This 20-year-old man helped move me out of my room and into my new room. This 20 year man took it upon himself to be my crews big brother. If we felt uncomfortable at a party he would either come get us, or his dorm was always open for us to crash in.
I can share countless stories of over 26 years we have been in each other’s sphere where if he sees me upset he just handles shit. This was his way when we were friends part of a large crew, as my boyfriend, and over the last 20 years of marriage.
11.26.2011 — my heart started beating again. the child I hoped for, prayed for and dreamed of joining us. I wanted this child for 8 years and he was finally here.
Finally we are a family of 3, finally we are entering this new chapter, and watching everything that he was going to be. We knew he was going to survive because he survived those first two weeks. We had a scheduled meeting with the doctor on 12.13 to plan for the next few weeks.
But Some Days I Really Wish I Was A Kid Again
Dr. J and I have so many highs and lows in our lives some of them are in the same season where we experience great joy but while we are celebrating many don’t know that we have privately received an infusion of bitter pain.
12.13. 2003/11 — — This is my anniversary. in 2011 it was suppose to be our 8th anniversary. It was the day at 9 am we were to sit with the NICU staff and discuss Ju2 treatment plan they were putting together. 12.13.11 at 4 am we got the call that he was gone. my son, gone. This date is the date of my greatest joy when my life partner and I agree to go on this journey of life together. However, it was also the day that I lost the light in my eyes. Hope was deferred my heart was sick and I did not know how I was going to go on.
I don’t lose control, I am virgo trained by 2 soliders. You never lose control when the shit gets hot. Solider you lose your shit once you are out of danger and everyone is safe, but not during the moment of crisis.
I LOST CONTROL, TO SEE SOME STRANGE NURSE CRADLING MY DEAD BABY.
I LOST CONTROL, MY BABY WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE INCUBATOR HOOKED UP TO MONITERS.
I LOST CONTROL, AS I SAW THE GREY PALOR OF HIS SKIN WITH BLOOD DROPS DRIED ON HIS LIP.
I LOST CONTROL, AS I PRAYED TO GOD FOR A MIRACLE THAT NEVER CAME.
I LOST CONTROL, AS I HELD HIM FOR THE ONLY TIME IN HIS LIFE.
What do you do when your cradling your dream, dead in your arms? Ju2 was the embodiment of my biggest dreams in flesh and now he was gone. 8 years of wishes, hoping, saving, for the perfect moment we were financial stable enough to bring a child into the world only to spend 18 days with him.
In Christianity 8 is the number of new beginnings, as we are suppose to be celebrating our 8th year marriage with new home, and new baby, I had a new job and we were suppose to be celebrating our new chapter. Losing the one thing we wanted and why we waited until we had the home and the right amount of resources.
I was bitter for years, there are still that I sense those emotions of anger, rage and sheer anguish wash over me. I try to isolate so I can let those emotions wash over me. I feel robbed of the experience of brining life into this world and watching them grow. I feel robbed of trying to find whose eyes those are, who do he stand like. I feel robbed of my youth and the beautiful gift of being a life giver. I am in my forties there are times I would still like to see my genetics running around my home. I love my partner and I think he is amazing, I would love to to see what we would create together and I feel robbed of that experience.
Losing my son was the most traumatic moment in my life only matched by losing my daughter. I did realize how much strength was within me. I mourned, fought, and struggled through the stages of grief.
Resilience In Action
One of the stages of grief is how to turn your pain into a beneficial solution. My hubby taught anatomy and was on the development board for the children's hospital and spoke the language of healthcare. In fall of 2012 I beginning working on and app that would be later known as Connect2NICU. at the time there was not an app out there for parents that did not speak healthcare, just like me. I created an app that provide parents the resources they need at their figure times to have real time conversation with the medical staff.
A problem that still persist to this day is changing the relationship dynamics for Parents to be treated like partners with the medical staff that is assisting in their child’s journey. I never received funding for the app to truly test it the way it needed, (another story for another time)and had funded the first iterations out of my personal funds. When hubby went back for PHD it was not the best decision for our family for me to continue to travel and attempt to fundraise while we we starting that new chapter of PHDED.
Through that experience I traveled and networked throughout the country, pertaining to perinatal health and education for families. I have spoken professional and learned so much along the way. I have gone through business accelerators, met with hospital executives, developed an app, and created a website. I am still connected with those communities and if I desire to walk back into the NICU space I can.
Adapt Or Die
I have been married for over 20 years. When I moved to DMV we had been married for 16 years and childless. When I took the job to move to the DMV, I moved up there by myself. Days later my adopted newborn was born on a Monday Within 2 weeks of her birth she was moved to the DMV, after the first 6 weeks of paternal leave Dr J had to go back to work for his job and PH.D. For the first time in 19 year of being together and 16 years of marriage we were not together almost everyday and I spent over a year of my life operating as a single mom while my hubby was working on his Ph.D.
My supervisor at the time is a single mom. She empowered me to excel while navigating the challenge of being a new mom and “single mom” while excelling in my new position. I took the position because I would increase my salary by 40k+ and NO ONE but my military parents say this is a normal transition to move the family ahead.
04.01.2019 my heart started to beat again 8 years later. we adopted our princess. The joy I wanted since I was 24 years old, was gifted to me at 40. There is a light in my life because Lady J is with us. Her vibrance was laced with contagious joy. Her energy appears to be infinite all the while she confidently and enthusiastically sprints to her next adventure.
C.C. challenged me to be great, she allowed me the freedom in my role to find creative solutions. no supervisor had ever done that. I graduated from a PWI, and all of my jobs have been in the South in majority white environments. C.C. was the first supervisor since college that I had that was not in the Bible Belt of the South. Living in the South and being in the bible belt, there is a way you must make yourself small so you don’t make others feel threatened. You never showcase your full intellect nor do you show all of your capabilities, if you have something they would never think a Black person to have, you keep your mouth shut and keep it moving.
I will put it like this I worked at one company for 4 years before they knew my husband was Black and a department head at the local community college. Talk about threatening the paradigm. When I arrived at my assignment in the DMV I did not realize how much I was walking on eggshells and making myself small. At the same time, we received the call pertaining to adopting a precious little one that you all know as Lady J. However C.C. is a African American single mom who raised her daughter to be an amazing young woman while working a high-impact demanding job in one of the busy metros GLOBALLY.
She refused to let me shrink, she demanded to see my potential at work and she coached me where I was weak. I did not realize how much of my power had diminished working in majority white environments. I did not just learn and grow in my job while working with her, I grew as a woman, a professional, and a mom for the 4 years I was under her. I truly miss working with her. Not only did I grow up working under her, but she also respected me and what gifts I brought to the team.
Fam, I was not her strongest direct report nor was I her most senior team member. However, she accurately read all of us our strengths our weaknesses, and trusted our insights and skills accordingly. CC had a gift where 95% of middle managers fail, she TRUSTS her team according to who they are, they capabilities and what their character is.
She never made blank rules because there was a fuck up on the team and she treated s like adults, what a concept! CC was the first boss to kick me out of work because I was attempting to work while being sick, she told me NOT to come back until I was better. This woman has been the only boss who cared about me first and my job as her direct report second. This was not care extended only to me, but to her WHOLE team. Lady J when she was she was 6 months old, REFUSED to take a bottle for the daycare workers, so guess who spent part of her night in the emergency room??ME! Since Miss Ma’am had a fever I could not take her back to daycare the next day.
I was working on winning a major account so I still need to work. CC drove over 2 hours down on a day we were not supposed to meet, to help me work on the proposal while I cared for my baby, WHO DOES THAT!! How many bosses have you had to sacrifice to assist you like that? For me NONE. As I was finally experiencing the motherhood I craved she provided a safe place for me to work and grow.
Myths and Mindsets
During the Pandemic the world as we know it comes to a stop. If you were in the industry I was in our world picked up. However, during that time, I realized I had never been to the continent. It started to truly bother me that when I travel, I avoid the continent. I used my Christmas vacation in 2020 to step foot on the Motherland for the first time in my life.
For me Africa is NOW and the FUTURE. Everyone wants to exploit the continent, whereas I want someplace I can call home. I want Sankofa and CONNECTION with the place of my ancestors. I want my husband to be able to go jogging without me worrying about the next white terrorist nut job wanting to do harm to another black man. I want to live a life that is peaceful, where I can thrive.
If your only perspective of Africa is starving babies and war. You have been lied to. My mind was BLOWN at the wealth I saw on display. In America, we use credit to live like the rich while being in debt. In many countries in Africa, the slavery credit system does not exist. If you see a mansion, it is owned right out of the cars, the clothes owned no DEBT. I appreciate that, it was refreshing not to deal with a debt while planning and purchasing.
Ghana was the biggest culture shock of my life. Visiting and living amongst those who do not have a Western lifestyle, outlook, and way of doing things. They are the skin of my skin and cousins by blood, but certain parts of our cultures collide in ways that are frustrating. One of the realizations that I had with Ghana, was that we as African Americans really have to check our Western superiority when we come to the door.
Our cultures are different, but that does not make the way they function wrong, it is just different. The challenge is how you collaborate with those who are different from you to accomplish goals. When we went to Ghana the first time it was as a tourist in hopes of finding a place, we could potentially call home. Learning how to do business learning how to do business amongst people to don’t function like I do. Was challenging and I challenged as well. I was proud of myself though I have many ways I still need to grow. Being out of my depth, and still functioning was my test. I look forward to spending more time on the continent amongst my cousins as I embrace my Africanness.
I had already started to shift my mindset on the motherland, being on the continent, and feeling connected to her while there. I felt like I was visiting my family in the country and people watched out for me that way. Pouring libations and honoring my ancestors, feeling their presence as I thank them, is an experience that can never be taken from me.
Feeling momma’s creator presence and knowing she favors her people there, though the rest of the world looks at them with greed and contempt. I have not been the same since and I have a strong love for that land. I look forward to spending more time on the continent throughout the future, as I embark on this new chapter of my life.
However, these are my thoughts,
Shanté
© 2024 Shanté Nixon. All rights reserved
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Toni The Talker — Here is My prologue. I hope your weekend is going well.
