How to stop trying to be perfect

Let’s be honest, complaining about perfectionism sounds like a bit of a humble-brag.
“My worst trait is that I expect perfection”, just doesn’t quite have the same relatable, honest ring to it as say, “I am afraid of failure”, “I’m too scared to start” or “I get extremely anxious about insignificant situations”. And yet all those sentiments stem directly from perfectionism. Which is why aiming for perfection can de-rail your whole life.
A quick snapshot of what perfectionism has done to me:
- Stopped me from pursuing relationships because it “just won’t work out”.
- Littered my computer with abandoned business ideas, because I couldn’t think of a name.
- Made me hesitate to apply for numerous career opportunities because I don’t meet 110% of the criteria.
- Caused headaches in social situations where I fixate on the tiniest slips in sentences, fearing — god forbid — that I have made someone upset.
Sound familiar?
I’m a work in progress. However, things started to change when I came to realise that mindset is everything, and that by becoming aware of my thought patterns, I could begin to try and change them.
Here’s a few things that have helped me:
- Don’t overthink it.
Perfectionism forces you to think far, far ahead, to the point where you tend to catastrophise about things that probably aren’t going to happen. No, you probably don’t need to decide whether you’re going to marry this person on the first date. And yes, it’s better to bring store-bought cookies rather than turn up empty-handed because you couldn’t muster the effort to make your usual made-from-scratch, grandmother-tested, triple chocolate peanut butter concoction (yep — I’m crazy).
It sounds overly simple, but just starting somewhere and forcing yourself to take action engages you in the world a little more. And you realise that those details, don’t matter so much against the bigger picture.
2. Adopt a mindset of experimentation.
Perfection means that you are fixated on outcomes. Naturally, that means that if an excellent outcome isn’t guaranteed, you won’t even start.
But wait. When is an excellent outcome ever guaranteed? Because in life, things don’t always go to plan. You can study a reliable degree, speed into a coveted graduate position, and be made immediately redundant by robots. The person you thought you would spend your whole life with can swiftly exit without a trace. Not to be dramatic, but life can easily and cruelly be cut short, and who’s to say it won’t happen to you?
You can’t control everything. So doesn’t it make more sense to just pursue whatever makes you curious, and see what happens? Life becomes magical when you see each day as an opportunity to try things, rather than a series of necessary steps to get to Outcome X, Y and Z, in the pursuit of fame, success, wealth or love.
3. Aim for balance.
Ironically, wanting too badly to excel in a single area can mean not excelling in anything at all. Take the person who studies all night every night in the lead up to an exam, for example, only to burn out when it really matters. Constantly wanting to be at 100% in one area, or even in every area, can be exhausting and stop you from showing up in the moments in life — such as those with friends and family — that are the most valuable in the end.
I like to live by the quote “wherever you are, be all there”. Incorporating lots of little pockets in my life and being fully engaged in the moment whatever I do, has helped me to find more fulfilment in small things and generally feel more satisfied with life.
The bottom line
Perfection stops you from exercising courage, which is the most essential element of growth. And isn’t it learning, growing and changing that makes life worthwhile?
