Ain’t Nobody’s Fault

Photo by Amechi Ugwu

My past interactions with males were one that allowed for me to easily play a victim role, or so it has seemed. Deep reflection on those interactions has opened doors of curiosity, hopelessness, hopefulness, abandonment, and excessive desire for validation. Curiosity for the unknown resulted in many risks being taken, and hopefulness for emotional support meant that many steps were taken in desperation. Abandonment was a result of expectations that didn’t belong in the first place but that turned into lessons of independence, self-care, and acknowledging the desire for validation that got down to the core of my being and revealed that I wasn’t loving myself.

Opportunities were created where I foolishly and desperately demanded to understand another person’s feelings and actions because of the voids, that were righteously my own. Opportunities were also created for me to see myself within these connections and for me to reflect within every mirror of these interactions once I became aware of myself. Every pleasant and unpleasant mirror were reflections and parts of me that needed revealing, healing, and to be set free.

I’ve associated the voids with my parental relationships and close lineage because of how the interactions in my early development shaped my previous perspectives of human beings. Those interactions were what showed me that my parents are human too and that they are spirits on a personal journey just as I am. I then recognized the voids as something I was completely accountable for and that no one else was responsible for or could even repair for me. It is my own divinity.

So, through accepting that no one else is responsible for my welfare and that no one can fill any void within me yet people are able and allowed to help heal, I opened my heart even more to the possibilities of being fearless, romantic, and unapologetic about both. There’s always room for love, questions, intimacy, and mistakes. The blues has its own way of showing me that and poetry is my healer through the cycle of understanding it.

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