Depression Confirmed

Photo by Sharita A. Sims

I wish that no one had asked me what my views were or if I knew of any protest happening because the fact that it wasn’t bothering me, bothered me.

A case of police brutality covered by mass media had taken place less than 10 miles away from my home and I went an entire day oblivious to the issue. I read about it online and watched the gruesome video of a Baton Rouge police officer gunning down an already pinned down man. The fact that he was a black man is a given.

It could’ve been a major chance for me to take to the streets and document what was happening with my pen or with my camera but depression changed that matter.

I worried myself sick about the money that I needed to survive. I worried myself sick about the already psychological illness which was consuming me. I was screwed up and I hated it. I hated hearing my own thoughts. I missed my lover and I missed our shared happiness. I couldn’t focus on any one thing. My mother wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to her. My father didn’t talk to me at all. I felt that I had no purpose and that I would never excel at anything other than letting gloom consume me. I needed professional help but I didn’t want to be on suicide watch because I wasn’t planning on killing myself even if I was hopeless.

I knew I needed to eat better and be more active but I had no money and I was unmotivated and distracted. My body stopped releasing tears, I was numbed with fear.

Depression was confirmed and I didn’t need any medical diagnosis, I know what being lost is. My spirituality was nonexistent, my self-care was awaiting me in the distance, about as far as I was willing to journey for better conditions.

It didn’t take too much suffering for me to ask myself, “What is this?” and “How do I rid of it?” I asked for guidance and I was sent to a kindred who unfolded messages to my soul and prescribed a few books for me to get to know. I learned about my divinity and connection to this earth and to the highest being, the one who I doubted and neglected. Through seeking help, I was corrected and redirected to truth.

The spirit guided me back to my youth, which I had to explore to rediscover the use of my being and my actions which led me to the life I was seeing. I was reminded of my foundation, not the one of my immediate family but that of my natural inheritance. The one that could sustain life and energetically too, without most of what we consume during the present days.

The food, the technology, the music, the supplements, the core of unnatural and detrimental energy. I was eating things that only a greedy person would consume. Over excess of meat that my teeth weren’t even designed to chew, over excess of artificial sugars that led my body to destruction, over excess of music and supplements that kept me at low vibrations, I was as wild and hazardous as we claim animals to be.

I learned that I was not created to be greedy, and controlling, and full of desire, and unaware. I learned to take what I need and nothing more. I learned to surrender control because I never had it in the first place. I learned to let go of selfish desires that weren’t of universal design but by the way that I created in my own mind. I learned to be intentional with my being and to hold a conscious union between myself and my creator.

Depression, denied.