I, Mother.

I thought on Mother’s Day, I will write my first article on Medium. Here it is. For all the mothers out there.

Before Lucien

Before I found out I was pregnant with Lucien, I didn’t plan to have kids. I thought, planning and deciding to have kids was a selfish act. At that time, the opinion I held was that this is a crazy world we live in, why would anyone subject their children to this chaos and absurdity? Sure, there are the good things in life, but there are the painful things, too, and to many people in the world, the bad outweighs the good. Then at the end, we all die. What’s the fuckin point?

Regardless of whatever reason anyone has in deciding to have kids is their reason, their decision, and the unborn child has no say in. Obviously, they can’t weigh in on the decision making because they’re not there. It is very much a one-sided decision making process. I’ve even heard some of the most selfish reasons like:

“I want to have kids so someone can look after me when I grow old.”

Oh. You decide to bring your child into the world for the ultimate goal of becoming your caretaker. How very nice of you.

I thought that by not having children, even though my bio-clock was calling forth a strike for not accomplishing its biological reproductive duty, I was doing a selfless act by saving my unborn child from this absurdity called life.

Then I had a conversation with a friend. I told him of my opinion and he told me that if I look at it from another angle, I could be being selfish too, because I may be denying my unborn children the chance to live life. It is up to them to make the opinion of whether they like it or not, and if I don’t have kids, they will never find out.

So then I decided—I will not plan to have children, will not attempt to have children, but if they happen, they happen. Though I’m not fully sure where I stand on the concept of “signs”, I would take it as a sign that they wanted to happen—if they happened. Get my drift?

So, in a sense, Lucien was an “accident”. His father and I didn’t plan for him to happen, but he happened. I will spare you the details of how the “accident” happened. Haha.


Lucien at 2 months old, in his “aboy-aboy” (duyan in other parts of the Philippines.)

Boy, am I glad this accident happened. If I were given the chance to go back in time and change anything I want, I would say no. No, because I worry that anything I might change in the past would affect the course of my life and could potentially make even the slightest change in the present wholeness of Lucien. Maybe it might slightly change the way he sticks out his tongue when he’s being self-conscious? Maybe it might change one curl in his hair? Maybe he would be slightly less goofy? I would rather re-live my past life a million times over than risk changing anything about him now.

A Mother’s Love

It is indescribable. I think the greatest love is a mother’s love. There is no logic involved, there are no conditions attached. He might one day scream he hates me, yet, my world will continue to revolve around him. He might one day be embarrassed of me, yet, I will continue to work to provide for him. He might one day break my heart; yet, I will readily sacrifice and do anything and everything for him. Well, yes, he will get due disciplinary actions should these things happen, but it will never change the fact that he will continue to be my universe.

A hug from Lucien can melt all the worries in the world. An “I love you” from him, even though I am not entirely sure he fully understands the concept of, makes me feel I am the happiest, luckiest person alive. When he tries to find my face with his hands while he’s falling asleep to make sure I’m still there makes me feel like I have the superpower to stop an oncoming ballistic missile. The feeling is a natural high.

I think a mother’s love is the greatest force in the world. If there is such a thing as a highest form of happiness, the highest form of enlightenment, a nirvana, I believe I have found mine. Lucien is my nirvana.

Lucien is my nirvana.
A 3 year old Lucien and me at a photo booth. Taken sometime in Feb 2014

To My Own Mother, Lucrecia

Mama and me, on my kindergarten graduation day (March 1985, Mangagoy Philippines)

This leads me to think of my own mother. I have often taken her for granted but I know her love is always there, unwavering. I couldn’t count the number of times I have frustrated my mother. I don’t embody the definition of a good daughter, but I know, despite all, that her love for me and all her children is as steady and unshakeable as a boulder.

I don’t say this often, but many times, things like this go without saying. But in case you’ve ever wondered, even once, I do love you, Ma. Always. Forever. Nothing will ever change that. Thank you, for your love.

To All Mothers

On this mother’s day, I would like to greet all mothers a very happy mother’s day. In my eyes, you are the bravest, most courageous human beings in the world. I have no doubt, that when faced certain situations, you will not hesitate to do anything and everything, even move mountains, and change the course of human history and destiny for your children.

A Special Recognition to All Single Mothers

Being a single mother myself allows me to understand the circumstances of other single mothers and the “unique” challenges they face. Here’s an internet high five and fist bump to all of you badass single moms out there. A special kudos to all of you.