F*ck L*ve or Whatever This is

“Never trust anyone”.

That’s all the email said after his lies finally caught up with him. I stared at my phone in disbelief. My stomach turned. This wasn’t happening. This could not be happening.

M had told me the week before that he had been running around with his ex during the duration of our relationship. It was “emotional cheating” he said. It was never physical, he promised. He also promised a lot of things that were not real or never true.

My stomach started to turn and my body had that sick, I’m about to drop from the highpoint of a roller coaster — please don’t let me puke feeling.

M pushed me away constantly, especially when I brought up his ex that somehow was always super present in our relationship. He would tell me horror stories of her and how badly she damaged him. He said she was crazy and making it look like they were together on Instagram when they really weren’t. “She’s done this before,” he said. “She’s ruined other relationships. I think I should just find someone who has never heard of her and start over. I’m sorry, I’m leaving and blocking you now goodbye.”

This happened almost every week. Of course, as it would turn out — none of it was true. She wasn’t lying about being with him on Instagram. Her pictures of his art work from his house were actually taken by her and not stolen from his LinkedIn account as he had claimed. They were together during the duration of our time together and who knows how many others there were. I’m sure he hurt her too, as he has hurt many others.

“I hate women,” he said. He blamed many things. Many people. Who is this person? This isn’t OK. It’s just not.

It’s been three days since M and I have made contact. I lost my mind temporarily and bashed him so hard online that Instagram confiscated my account. It’s probably better to stay away from his toxic bullshit and not to look. He enjoyed punishing me, taking my name off paintings he made of me. Taking down my @ on happy memories together whenever he was mad.

“You’re hiding me,” I worried to him outloud. “Is there someone else? There must be someone else.”

“I’ve had enough of your insecure bullshit. I don’t love you. I never loved you. Just go away. I’m blocking you.”

There were signs that I ignored. I look back now and feel so foolish and stupid.

The time that he texted me he watches rom-coms to see how he should be acting. He doesn’t know if he knows what love is or how to love.

The covergirl makeup compact I found on his bed he claimed to have bought for himself because he needed a mirror.

The condom I found in his bag when I went to put an “ I love you” note in it for him to find while he was at work. He claimed it was old and that this girl who couldn’t stand was throwing them at him one night. ( He was actually really sleeping with her).

The STD test I found from a West Village clinic when I was helping him organize his mail, he claimed he didn’t know why he had a separate bill for it — he said it was routine blood work from his doctor and he asked for an STD work up because he didn’t trust me. He blamed me.

The comments on his social media accounts from women that seemed devious. “Innocent!” he exclaimed. “You’re paranoid”.

When it finally all made sense. I was not crazy, he said, “ I am an asshole. what do you want — that’s my answer for all of it. I’m an asshole”.

Disbelief filled my body. My friends were right. My family was right. Everyone was right. Even he, for once was telling the truth. This man was an asshole.

I don’t know what is more hurtful. Thinking back on the happy memories and missing him or him claiming to not remember any of the happy times.

“People cheat for a reason,” he said. “ i was unhappy. You made me really unhappy. You ruined the fairy tale. YOU RUINED US. I HAD TO CHEAT. I had to protect myself. I had to feel better because you told me about your sexual past and it made me sick”.

“ I told you I exaggerated my sexual partner number out of insecurity. I told you i hadn’t been with anyone in a while. I told you that I just wanted to compare in some way to you — this beautiful cool graffiti writing guy. I was wrong. I told you. You didn’t believe me. You slut shamed me for two years while cheating on me? How could you?”

He raised his voice and said slowly, “because you ruined the fairytale”. He continued, “I know it’s really fucked up.. but I have OCD and if i see one line out of place on a piece of my artwork I have to get rid of it. The same applies to women. Once it’s not perfect anymore — they need to go away”.

Who is this person? I’m in love with this cruel, emotionally void sociopath?

“why did you stay all this time? why did you give me hell and accuse me of cheating and call me a liar when it was you who was lying and cheating all along? Why didn’t you just leave?”

He said, “ Because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too”.

I said, “ You knew we never had a future”.

“ I really liked having sex with you,” he answered.

There is more so much more. I just wanted to get part of this out of me. I made mistakes, we both did.

“Don’t you want to be with someone who could never cheat on you,” he asked.

Yes. Yes I do. I just thought that person was you. I said silently. I lost my voice. I lost myself. I feel a million and one emotions. Anger. Betrayal. Embarrassment. Niavity. Hatred. Love. Weakness.

I’m now looking for my strength.