Friendships

Sharon Mapuvire
Sep 8, 2018 · 3 min read

A peculiar thing happened to me yesterday. As I was talking to one of my oldest friends I realised that she had been embarking on a different route. All this time I thought we had been walking on the same life path towards the same destination. Or at least on the same very wide path on opposite sides, but nevertheless moving towards the same place. To be honest I had been feeling as though there was an invisible wall between us and for whatever reason, there were certain things about her life she chose to not speak about. So through our recent interaction I discovered that my friend had been growing into a new person right before my eyes. A person I no longer shared many interests with. Conversations were no longer that thrilling or engaging. We live fifteen minutes away from each other but I see her once in every two months and we blame it on work schedules.

It was not as if something in particular happened, we just…grew apart like two intertwined branches suddenly diverging. I tried to ignore this realisation and told myself that I was looking way too much into it, because accepting it would bring me closer to one of my biggest discomforts. Being alone.

The thing is, I had been through this before. Five years ago I went through the most gut-wrenching break-up of my life with a very close and dear friend. I went through the usual stages; anger, hate, blame, then finally circled back with my tail between my legs to accountability. What part had I played in the implosion of our friendship. I began to see how I used people as a way to distract myself from feeling alone. When someone places all of their focus and love on you it is like a drug. Complete euphoria. When you are down you call them up. When you are happy you call them up. You are never alone when you have people to divert your attention. They boost your self-esteem, make you feel beautiful and absolutely loved. Yes, I used people as my anchor. It all fell apart of course when I began to abuse their friendship, expecting it to run over-time into their own lives. My dependence on them soon became crippling for both parties and I began to watch as close friends would leave or drift away. It ripped me apart but forced me to learn how to be independent. I was doing really well and was satisfied with the very few friends I had left. I no longer expected to lose but instead gain more friends.

When yesterday’s awareness happened I was suddenly gripped by that fear of ‘aloneness’. I had to find ways to soothe my inner hysteria and came across a brilliant explanation for why relationships end. Think of it this way, you were passing through a small town then decided to stay for a long time. The town only had one restaurant, but that was ok. It had new places to discover, new feelings to experience but over time it had become comfortable. I slowly admitted to myself that I had been passing through a small town in which I had decided to remain. The fact that we no longer connected as we once did simply meant that we had nourished different desires and aspirations. We had both found brilliant courage to venture out into the world on separate paths. Even though our paths are now separate, we will always know how to find our way back to each other. Like I said, I had been through this before but it was different this time. This time, it was like a silent departure in the night. No tears, no regrets, no loss.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade