For you a thousand times over

“Agha Amir!”, Hassan says to Amir, “For you, a thousand times over.” — Kite Runner.
I am currently reading the Kite Runner and I am stuck as I am scared of what will happen next. I really admired Hassan’s loyalty to his master Amir. His love is so pure and genuine. It is something that many might consider naive and stupid but it takes so much resilience to keep positive and stay true to yourself in a world that teaches survival. Many are the times we focus on surviving and protecting ourselves from heartbreak and neglect to stay grounded through it all. We lose our innocence, joy and inner child in the process.
I went through a dark phase for the better part of my January. I remember being so angry and hard on myself. “Aren’t you better than this Sharon?” I kept asking myself, “You are smarter than this.” It was depressing and lonely. My moods were so low and I had to keep reassuring myself to move on. I had to push myself to do even the things that are supposed to be fun. I remember I was going to Dar-Es-Salaam over the Christmas holiday. A very small issue came up and I immediately decided to run back to the comfort of my bed. I went and booked the next train back to Nairobi. It was safe there. My bed had become my safe haven. TV series and novels have always been great company anyway. I literally felt like it was written on my face and people could see it. Of course, very few knew it but depression convinced me otherwise.
I had gotten to a point of having to reassure myself every time I felt a panic attack creeping my way that I was fine. “You can do this Sharon!” The air of sadness even affected my confidence at work. “Is technology even my thing?” I would wonder, “Yes, I started my interest as a kid but people change.” “Right?” It was difficult. I kept starting projects but would get bored immediately I faced a bug. Breaks were not helping me. It was not a burnout I was experiencing, I just did not care anymore. It scared me so much. I knew how to get better but a part of me kept clinging to the cloud like it was my new norm. It was until I literally hit rock bottom when I decided enough was enough. I was not going to live like this. Sharon Immaculate Waithira was better than that.
The journey back to me has not been an easy one. I would get relapses over and over. I learnt to recognize these emotions and then breathe them away. It was going to get better one way or the other. And Yes, lot’s of hard work and resilience played a major role in this. In a world where people keep pushing their expectations and opinions your way, it is easy to forget who you are; who defines you. Holding on to yourself at such times is a difficult task. Society defines so many things about us just minutes after we are born and we spend all our life defending titles and a “we” that we did not even choose. I learnt to first be human before I am all this. That my truth was the only thing that mattered regarding my life.
It led me to notice so much about the world around me. How we tend to take people and situations for granted. This blog was a love letter to myself. For you Sharon, I will do anything. I will choose to fall in love with you over and over again. A thousand times over. I have learnt to love myself repeatedly regardless of my shortcomings in life. No one is perfect anyway. My joy and happiness come above anyone else’s opinions of me. So what if you think “wrong” of me? I am not interested in matching your idea of me! Who made you king or queen of anything? I have learnt to only allow positive vibes around me.
I am not in this world to please anyone, to compete with anyone or to impress anyone. I came here for love. If it doesn’t bring you joy in life why are you chasing it? Just to prove to those entitled people that I can also do it better than them? Then what? Of course, I can do it excellently but what profit do I get from proving a point to people? If I died tomorrow I would like to believe I led a happy life; that I changed a soul and above all that I left the world a better place. I am learning to be courageous enough to preserve all that I hold dear to me. We are all going through so many inner battles in life, the least we can do is be kind and patient with people. The world doesn’t revolve around us. Learnt to only keep the people and things that serve you. I have learnt to let go of things that don’t add value to my life anymore.
I hope this speaks to someone out there. I hope it pushes you to step into your own. Wishing Y’all positive energy and love. Everyone deserves to be loved and to love.
