Mom Vs. The Darkness

I’m a mum. 23. Two beautiful little girls . L is 5 , M is 2. Let’s say they are a handful at the least but most days the good outweighs the bad. But then there are days when the The Darkness comes and you think failure is your only option. I was 8 months pregnant with M when I became depressed. I didn’t know why . I was engaged just moved into a new house and L was excited to be a big sister . Everything was great . White picket fence sort of shit . So why was this Darkness eating at me, hanging over me, enveloping me and seeping its way into my everyday actions, thoughts and feelings.

But two years on , I’m still here. Still raising my girls. Still wiping asses and snots , refereeing brawls over a Peppa pig figurine even though we have four the exact same. I’m still here, taking every day in baby steps ( even though baby steps are also useful for avoiding stepping on Legos, Shopkins, Barbie shoes and anything else that is tiny , sharp and scattered endlessly by your child around the floor in every room)

I wake up everyday , light a cigarette before the school morning starts and stare out the window or at the ceiling , sometimes intentional sometimes not , and contemplate all the bad shit of the day I know is coming . The bad thoughts the low self-esteem. Headaches and tiredness. All that on top of “ Mummy she’s hitting me! Mummy she took my Iggle Piggle! Stop that L! Leave me alone M! Mummy here’s some a boogers!” And the endless tears and tantrums from from what I sometimes think are 2 tiny drunk midgets.

But the reason I am still here is despite all that , when you catch your kids out of the corner of your eye playing together or vividly using their imaginations wile playing with leaves or something so simple, you smile and feel the warmth of love you have for your child swarm through you. When you catch them drawing a family picture with no prompting you feel so proud. When they randomly run up to you with sticky hands and dirty knees, hug you and say I love you mummy they might ruin your jeans but a hug from your child is obviously always welcome.

Yes we lose our patience with our kids , sometimes they think we don’t have enough time for them. There is not enough hours in the fucking day to do everything and keep everyone and yourself happy. It’s just im-fucking-possible . But you try best to keep smiling to not shout or snap . You hold all your ill feelings in . I hold it all in. Because I love my girls I would do anything for them and I’m trying to battle the darkness to keep being a good mom. They are light that breaks through the darkness

Shauna Baldrick

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