My Family In These Pages

A divorce is like amputation. You survive it, but there’s less of you — Margaret Atwood.

Dear Diary,

Mrs Mel gave us a homework assignment today. We have to keep a diary and write in it every day because it is important to write and memory is an important tool. But I ALWAYS forget!

My name is Tayla Wilson and I am 8 years old. I have a mum, a dad and a little brother named Jordan. We live in a big house. My dad works in an office and my mum works at Subway. I am in year 4 and my brother is in year 2. He is very annoying. I always get called to the office at recess and lunch because Jordan cries a lot when people say mean things to him. I tell him to suck it up because that’s what dad would say. We have a pool, a trampoline and a fish named Oscar. I learnt that fish forget things after 3 seconds; maybe Oscar should keep a diary too.

Mum always says she is very lucky to have me and Jordan. Mum says when I was younger I was always very happy and had a crazy imagination! She says I still do. But when Jordan was younger he was always very sick. Mum jokes that he was such an ugly white baby. We always laugh when she makes that joke. Then we all cuddle and fall asleep in my bed, and then dad will wake mum up so that she can sleep in their bed with him. My family makes me happy.

Dear Diary,

I turned 11 yesterday. Everyone says I am getting very old and very tall. I’ve always been a tall girl, tallest in my class actually!

Mum and dad seem sad. I think it’s because they couldn’t afford to get me a birthday present. But I don’t mind, I had a fun dinner with all my family and that’s all I wanted.

Dad now works at Pizza Hut every Friday and Saturday night, which is really cool because we get pizza for dinner every Friday, even though Jordan and I don’t like toppings. We just like the sauce and bread.

Mum seems very sad, ever since she stopped working at subway. She drinks 6 glasses of this clear liquid every night, and then dad comes home and yells at her because he does not like her doing this. They fight a lot and Jordan and I get very scared. Jordan and I cuddle mum until she goes to sleep. Dad sleeps in Jordan’s bed. Why is my family so sad?

Dear Diary,

I started high school today. My parents got a divorce yesterday. I didn’t know what a divorce was until mum first told Jordan and I a few months ago. Apparently when a mum and dad don’t love each other anymore, they sign a legal document allowing them to not be married anymore.

Dad moved out when she told us. I don’t see him very much. He took Jordan and I to our soccer game a few weeks because mum couldn’t drive, she felt sick. That was the last time I saw him. We had to move to a smaller house because that’s what happens when people get a divorce. They can’t live together in the same house anymore so they both have to live somewhere else.

Mum cries a lot. Jordan fights other kids at school because I’m not with him anymore. I’m very worried about them.

I cried a lot today. I was scared about starting high school, I barely knew anymore. I hope it gets better.

Dear Diary,

Mum has a new boyfriend. He lives down the road and has tattoos so mum is never home. I don’t like him very much.

I cook for Jordan and I, even though I never see Jordan. He’s always in his room playing video games and watching movies until late. School is crazy. I’ve been studying like mad for my year 10 school certificate, and I think I’m ready. I just have to do the dishes and then I’ll sit down and cram hard for tomorrow. I really hope I do well even though it’s supposed to be hard grr.

I hope Jordan goes to bed early. I’ll have to remember to tell him.

Dear Diary,

Dylan says we’re going to be together forever. He says we make each other happy so we can have a happy life together. I have never met someone like him before, oh my god I love him so much. We graduated high school today. I have my uni applications in and fingers crossed a fantastic ATAR to get into the course I want. I need something good to happen.

Jordan is failing school. Mum had to come in for a meeting. Her eyes were red and she kept falling over so I don’t think the principle was too impressed. I worry what will happen to him.

Dear Diary,

I found you yesterday. My old diary. I hadn’t thought about picking up a pen and jotting down my thoughts in years. The time really has flown.

It makes me sick to look through these pages and see how happy I used to be, in comparison to how bleak the world is today.

Here’s an update. I am 35 years old, have two beautiful girls and two pathetic ex husbands. Mum was hospitalised after I found her overdosed in her house a few years ago. Her boyfriend left her there, half dead.

Jordan died last year.

I don’t speak about him very much. My terribly sad and troubled brother who fell off the rails and never found his way back straight.

I couldn’t save him.

My daughters live with my first husband, Dylan, while I sit at home starring at four walls. I am confined to the safety of my insanity, like that woman from the story I read once in high school. She became obsessed with the yellow wallpaper, convinced she could see a woman trapped behind. Never have I understood that story more until right now.

I keep flicking through these pages; I’m angry, angry, angry, so damn angry. Memory is my worst enemy. Damn Mrs Mel.

I should stop now. My counsellor says its bad to remember, to go back on the past because it’s gone and there’s no getting it back.

But what I wouldn’t give to have the time over; to see my mother smile and forgive her for never trying. To go back to primary school, to when the office would call me in because Jordan was crying and just hug him tighter and tell him it was all going to be okay. Maybe that’s all he really needed from me…

What I wouldn’t give to be happy again. My family is gone and here I am still. My only prayer is that my girls don’t spiral the same way.

My family is gone and here I am still.

I am gone.