Winning at Introversion
A Guide to a More Solitary Holiday Season
We don’t do small-talk much, we introverts, so I will get right to the point: the fresh hell that is social season is upon us. Parties, potlucks, concerts, and of course the dreaded “family gatherings” all loom threateningly in the months of December and early January. The wealthy among us are wise to flee far away to warmer climates where — bonus! — a foreign language is spoken, further enabling our addiction to solitude. For the rest of us sad clowns, we must find ways to cope with this touch-feely, chitter-chatter, nails-on-a-chalkboard time of year.
First off, receiving no invitations is surely the winningest of strategies. For those who can pull this one off, kudos to you! This must mean that you are not a parent, not on a committee or do any volunteering, unemployed and on poor terms with your own family. All perfect attributes of the deeply introverted — you have my utmost respect, sir or madam.
That leaves the rest of us closed-mouth sops. These tricks should help you through virtually any torment session — ahem — party:
Stand near a wall and admire a painting. This technique can use up most of an hour. If anyone questions how long you’ve been standing there, give them a withering glance and say “It...speaks…to...me.” Even if it’s the finger painting of a five-year-old and you’re actually at the refrigerator.
Approach the children. While technically speaking, talking to others violates the first commandment of introversion, children under the age of 10 don’t really count as they have even fewer social skills than you. Listening to a kid drone on about their Minecraft world can absorb at least a half an hour, while you can fantasize of cocooning in a nest of silence and solitude on your couch.
For that matter— talk to babies! You can whisper to them how very much you are suffering at this party, and you get double-points for relieving the parents who actually DO want to socialize. It’s a win-win!
Check out the bathrooms. As every introvert knows, bathrooms are the ideal escape at any social ordeal. Of course, be mindful of how much time you spend in there — don’t want to get THOSE rumors started. But in a pinch (heh heh) to get out of an awkward conversation, potty breaks are the best. I’ve been known to visit the loo every 30 minutes or so for some healing screen time.
Help out. While people do tend to gather in kitchens at parties hosted in homes, this is also the place where there is usually a task to be done: washing dishes, putting food away, gathering more glasses, etc. Tasks are a great diversion from conversation and tortuous small talk. I usually take on one task, like washing dishes, and then move on to quietly rearranging the spices in order of country of origin, re-folding the towels in origami shapes and moving the silverware to a better drawer.
Offer to walk the dog. Again, zero conversation needed and picking up poop is a small price to pay for 20 minutes of silence!
This is your In Case of Emergency Only tactic: fake something. Anything. Really dig deep to find the perfectly reasonable way to extract yourself from the Dante’s Inferno you’ve found yourself in. Make retching sounds in the bathroom and then grab your coat and make hasty apologies for leaving. Send yourself a text and then proclaim loudly “Damn! Gotta go, big work thing happening.” (warning: this is an epic fail for yoga instructors). And for those of us with small kids, a deep sigh and “It’s time for the babysitter to get home,” is a clutch maneuver. Just make sure the babysitter’s parents aren’t within earshot to contradict your claim.
This last one is rarely done successfully, but when executed properly can be a tour de force: find another introvert (you know — the one standing at the fridge for over 10 minutes) and conspire an alliance to get you both through the event at hand. This requires a small degree of talking (shudder) and willingness to stay nearby each other (grimace) to deflect others. See pictures of Donald and Melania Trump together: they’ve absolutely nailed it.
You are not alone in your quest to be alone. -anonymous
Happy holidays, and cheers to another year of surviving this wretched season.
