Busting Through Your Fears

Sometimes, to get to the stuff you want the most, you have to bust through the stuff that scares you the most. — Me, Shauna Sanders

About 20 years ago, I’d started telling myself I didn’t want to be a Mom. Partly because I was lucky enough to have a close friend with a baby and saw how much work it truly was and what it “took” and frankly, I didn’t think I had it. Don’t get me wrong, when I was a little girl, I just thought I would grow up to be a Mom and that’s how life was. But the more I understood what was truly needed, the less I felt like I was “mom material”.

If I was going to be a Mom, I wanted to be a damn good one and I just didn’t think I would be. From what I saw, it required the following, none of which I thought I was capable of.

*Patience
*Sacrifice/Selflessness
*Financial Stability
*Experience
*Desire

Patience- My high school sculpting teacher said it best when he observed my frustration with my jagged piece of alabaster stone. “Patience will be your life lesson and it will not be easy”. He was sorta like Yoda and couldn’t have been more right. I was probably THE most impatient person I knew.

Sacrifice/Selflessness- I’m a big proponent of myself and sometimes looking out for #1 means being selfish and I never had any problem with that.

Financial Stability- I was so far from understanding my relationship with money, I didn’t even realize I was having one. And it was very one sided. No matter if I was making money or not so much, I was broke. How could I possibly care for a wee one while clawing my way out of credit card debt, more than once?!

Experience- I know none of us “knoooooows” until we have kids. But I’d spent time with kids, a lot of it and they would ask questions that I never felt I had the right answer for. I always felt inept around kids and like I couldn’t relate.

Desire- I never melted when holding a baby or thought they smelled as heavenly as everyone else said they did. I didn’t feel the “tug” and the longer I didn’t feel it, the less I thought having children would be part of my future.

But the real reason; FEAR.

I was afraid to be a Mom. I was afraid to face all of the reasons I’d told myself I’d make a terrible one and I was afraid I’d ruin some kid’s life.

Here’s what changed. My perception of myself. Not me. I’m still me. Like any good love story, I started to see myself in a new light when my husband and I began dating. Troy was the first person to understand my feelings about not wanting to have children and in fact, shared some of the thoughts I had and wasn’t sure he wanted them either. This alleviated the pressure I’d felt from past boyfriends. And, ironically, even though we shared the same views, I was sort of awestruck that Troy felt this way. He was SO great and I thought he would make an AMAZING Father. If HE was feeling this way yet was so obviously “dad material”, maybe I was actully “mom material” after all? For the first time in 20 years, my feelings shifted to “maybe”. Even uttering this new feeling to Troy was scary. But together, we both began to slowly alter our beliefs and then our feelings.

The desire gradually became very real. And my previous fear of lacked experience seemed unimportant. I love learning new things and I could figure this out. The financial responsibility part was and still is tricky but I’ve made it a priority to change my relationship with money. I have taken several steps and am proud to say I have budgeted and tracked every penny our family has spent and brought in since the beginning of 2015! As far as the selfishness fear, it seems so low priority. The sacrifices seem so insignificant that I barely notice. ‪(#worthit)

And finally, no one was more surprised than I at how having a baby completely turned me into a patient person. I. Was. Shocked. It’s like some “serenity fairy” sprinkled magic patience dust all over me. My tolerance (not just for my son) but for EVERYthing is on a whole new level.

And the best part, my added bonus for facing my fears and diving into Motherhood; Holden. He is a funny, sweet, gentle soul who makes my life richer, occasionally drives me crazy and mostly makes me feel like I’m the end all, be all. So really, that selfish thing is still true.

What fear are you ready to face? You never know what might be waiting for you on the other side of you fear.