5 Good Reasons Why I Blocked Love
Each year, I am forced to peel back the layers of my life; in particular, my houses of career and finance. However, it is my house of love that’s been the most trying. I believed my ideals about each were reasonable, only to later find out I’d been living in insanity, spewing out confused intentions with a closed heart and mind — just a bunch of garbled noise.
I gave the Universe noise and wondered why I got back confusion in return.
In order of to shift the frequency, I made a conscious effort to be open when writing my intentions under this month’s Full Moon. I sat outside on my lawn under the moonlight, incense burning, candle blazing, soft tunes illuminating, and the entire hood wondering if I’m some Voodoo priestess or just a crazy chick outside in lukewarm weather.
I never really notice the effects of spiritual mediation, so I was blown away when things began to manifest immediately. It was as if all the layers began to shed, not just peel. The answers to the questions became clear.
Only those who live without fear, are brave enough to weather rejection
With love being one of my focal points, I was able to dig deep to the root of the reasons why my relationships ended how they did. Between recognizing the patterns with myself and the men I dated, I realized, all this time, I’ve been blocking love. This realization helped me decipher through a myriad of reasons on how I got to this point and I want to share the 5 good ones that affected me most. It’s quite possible you could be doing the same:
I didn’t know how I needed to be loved
When I learned about my Love Languages, I was amazed at what I uncovered. Honestly, I’ve never been the most effective communicator when it came to my feelings and that led to a lot of confusion in my relationships. The distorted views I had of love kept me disappointed. It took me YEARS to recognize that love doesn’t look the same for everyone. I had to let go of what I was taught to believe, and define it for myself based on my own personal values, beliefs, wants, needs, and desires. Without defining love for ourselves, we can’t properly express to our partner how it should be done. Sure, there are some aspects of love that are standard; however, these definitions are respective to who we are in and out of a relationship. Once we know the what, we can then relay the how.
I didn’t love myself
When you don’t love yourself, you don’t know how to be loved. The two are synonymous. We teach people how to love us and it starts within. There was a point during my adolescence years where I stopped loving myself. Eventually, it spilled over into my teenage and adult years. Add splashes of low self-esteem and daddy issues, and it’s a toxic cocktail that illuminates the wrong type of energy. That energy attracted emotional manipulators, users, and abusers who wanted nothing more than to stand on my insecurities to hide theirs. When I realized what I was dispersing into the Universe, I soon found out how much I mirrored the toxic men I attracted.
I mirrored the men I attracted
When you recognize how you mirror the people you attract (romantic and platonic) your world comes crashing down. There’s no hard pill to swallow. It stings to accept the fact that men you dated were a direct reflection of you and your energy. I’m an insecure asshole, with body image issues, who didn’t recognize my worth, or felt comfortable standing firm in my convictions. In return, I ended up dating insecure assholes with self-esteem issues, who constantly danced around their feelings, and consistently made me feel small to enhance their egos. Because I never cleared my emotional cache, I brought the issues from past relationships into new ones, all because I never allowed myself to feel.
I never allowed myself to feel
My parents divorced when I was 6. It took me 20 years to accept that I wasn’t the reason. From age 6 to 12, moving through high school, into college, and adulthood, I’ve never allowed myself to feel. I would cry for no less than 30 seconds, then move on from the emotion. I drowned myself in my writing or whatever project/task I had at the time. I attempted therapy and the person who I thought was to be an objective ear, got to the crux of my issues in two, one-hour sessions. It was then I learned that I mask my emotions with intellect. This mask of intelligence combined with a strong work ethic, made it easy for me to cover up what I never wanted people to see and allowed the ease to push people away.
My fear of rejection pushed people away
My parents’ divorce was my first experience with rejection. I felt as if my father didn’t want me, as if I’d behaved so bad that it made him not want to be with my mother and I. At 6 years of age, I was able to rationalize this but I never told anyone how I felt because I didn’t want to make it worse. This became the conduit of me internalizing my emotions. Fearful that what I’d say would not be well-received, misconstrued, misinterpreted, or cause people to respond to me with belligerence. Funny things is, what I feared most made me do just thing I wanted to avoid. I kept people at a distance, only allowing those who I believed understood me to get close. I placed people in categories, sharing the intimate parts of myself with those who showed trust and loyalty. The wall I built prevented good men, with whom I’ve found interest, from getting to know me. Because honestly, when a man wants you he’ll go after you; however, if you build a wall so high he can’t climb, there’s only so much energy he can dispel before he recognizes you’d rather stay behind your wall than be free.
You probably don’t even realize you’ve blocked love.
Caught up and blinded by your own personal experience, not brave enough to do the work and uncover why your relationships are a hamster wheel. You cycle through lovers, refusing to assess the landscape from both ends. This one-sided view added to the reasons why I blocked love. I played a role in why things fell apart and when I accepted my role, it became easier for me to make the necessary corrections to prepare for the right love to come along.
Do the work and don’t let you’re lack of preparation continue to block you from the love you desire.