He Didn’t Marry You Because He Was Never Into You
There’s always a narrative you try to escape that seems to resurface because it relates to everything. Today that I’m resurrecting that narrative.
But, I promise, in the sequel to my first novel, the antagonist that’s about to get this Lazarus effect, dies.
Last week a friend of mine posted an article featured on xoNecole. The subject was about men that date women, leave them, then marries another. There were points I agreed with and many I felt could’ve been explored just a smidge. I get it, though. It’s a blog post, not a dissertation. It’s such a loaded topic. There’s only so much you can do without it turning into a full-blown counseling session. So, in following the same principles, I’m going to do some expansion across this terrain without Medium posting above the title, “20 min read.”
Dear ladies, that guy you’ve invested all that time into and received no ROI? Him being a slime ball is not the reason he didn’t marry you (OK, maybe that’s part of it), it’s because he was never into you.
Harsh reality, but tis true. Not sorry. That mofo didn’t want you.
You, ma’am, were there to satisfy a need. A moment in time. Even if the time felt like a prison sentence, for him, it was nothing more than a moment. Whether you accept this or not is none of my business. But because I love you, as a fellow WOMBman, I’m telling you, he just wasn’t into you.
Do you know how to be a wife? I don’t.
Hell, none of us do. However, that scum bucket of a man you “spread your limbs across continents” for, felt the next chick did. So, he put a ring on it.
Here’s another harsh reality: ol’ girl was always there.
She’s not some new, beau thang he found one-day walking through Whole Foods in the oils and condiments section. She was probably around before you were. But, he settled for you. Why? Well, because you were available. And because you were available (or made yourself available), he found comfort in your availability. The longer you made yourself available, the longer he rode the wave.
Mental note: men chase (yes I said it, chase) after women who are unavailable.
I’ll let that sit.
The one he married — she wasn’t readily available. In fact, she probably never made herself available and told ol’ fuckboy that it wouldn’t happen until he got his shit together.
You became his incubator space. The cocoon. You didn’t know you were the cocoon in the beginning. Some men, not all, but some are really good at maintaining façades. They do exactly what you ask them, and nothing more. Just enough to keep you — available. When you’re not around, he’s building the foundation with the other chick. She’s the one who he’ll marry because he knows her requirements; and because she keeps him at bay, he’ll put in the work. He somehow equates unavailable with worth. For him, the chase makes her worth it.
Four years ago, I got into a situationship with a man who I knew was never into me. I hung on the hope that he’d realize we were perfect together, and pick me. Yes, I said, pick me. Choose me. Decide he wanted to do this life shit with me. All while I was giving myself to him — mind, body, spirit — he committed himself to someone else and, when the time was right, flaunted his new relationship in my face. To add insult to injury, he assumed I was supposed to accept it.
And, like a dummy, I did.
Years later, when I finally had enough, I let that ship sail. And as it rode into the sunset, he actually followed through and proposed. Not to me, though.
I call it, Cinderella love.
In my book, Do You Know How to be A Wife? I Don’t, I talk about me being caught up in a Cinderella love. Here’s an excerpt that you might resonate with:
I carried this torch of hope. An Olympic torch that I kept lit as I traveled from emotion to emotion, fueled from the wanting to be more than just another woman he ran through. I hoped those failed attempts with others would leave success at my door, wrapped into the desire, the wish, the want, the optimism that one day he’d see me — be my Prince Charming. But alas, the glass slipper was never for me. I was a far cry from a princess, let alone a queen, in his eyes. He never wanted to save me from the destitute living quarters of broken hearts, or the vile forms of love. I was only there to clean up the overflow of feelings created by the slew of women he entertained.
When your ex runs off into the field of dandelions and marries “new beau,” the realization of you being the “clean-up woman,” there to mop up the overflow of shit that lingered from failed relationships, and disinfect the skewed emotions from other women he entertained — is infuriating. I was heartbroken to watch this man’s relationship grow. Mad at myself for opting to play second fiddle. Devastated, watching him give another woman what I knew I deserved. I got a courtside view of how the fruits of my labor, that shaped and molded him into the perfect husband, was rewarded to someone who didn’t even come close to putting in the same amount of work.
Then I got out my feelings and accepted the fact that he was never into me.
The signs were there. EVERY. WOMAN. SEES. THE. SIGNS. Whether you acknowledge them or not is a different scenario. We know. The good Lord equipped us with this bullshit tracker called ESP. Sure, the writer of the article I referenced had a point, the world is filled with good people who aren’t good for each other. But, baby, that’s just a Band-Aid to cover the wound. There’s that small collective of men who, unfortunately, never have any intention of doing right and make a conscious decision not to.
We all have a choice.
Some things just aren’t that deep. I’m all about energy and saging yo life, but honestly, some of these men see how immaculate and pristine your emotional doormat is, and can’t wait to wipe their feet on it. And many of us, myself included, stay in a situation too long, burning that flame of hope, knowing damn full well nothing’s gonna change.
We all have a choice.
We can either walk around with rose gold colored glasses living in ignorant bliss; or, come out of the sea of denial, and accept that you’re not walking around with a flawless rock because he was never going to marry you in the first place. He just wasn’t that into you.