THIS IS CONSTANTINE…JOHN CONSTANTINE, ASSHOLE!

Image: Warner Bros.

and if that isn’t the greatest phrase someone can utter before expelling hell’s scariest creatures from half-naked possessed people while using the ye ole

rope-attached-to-a-dusty-mirror-while-yeetin-said-creature-outta-a-window-technique,

then i don’t know what is.

anyway, there’s something about the way keanu goes about conducting his professional demon-hunting services

how sure he is of himself

how he oozes insane confidence, even as he stares evil straight in the face

laughing ever so faintly because john constantine ain’t never scared

and rises to every occasion, like a star baseball player, coming up to bat

in the bottom of the ninth with a chance to walk it off.

yet, in this case, john constantine is the star

and he will always knock it outta the damn park

since he’s batting 1.000 on the road cuz he’s

cool, calm, and collective, baby —

never worried about mashing a slider or death’s face in.

all this to say: i wonder what john constantine’s yelp score is.

if i had to guess it would be a perfect four stars because realistically speaking there’s no way to rate a demon hunter’s effectiveness unless they legit chicken out halfway through an exorcist and retire on the spot.

even then i feel like it would be totally understandable cuz fuck that noise, yo. that shit is scary.

I run The Daily Drunk. Some of my work has appeared in Hobart, Maudlin House, and Little Old Lady Comedy. You can follow me on Twitter @Sbb_writer.