My Undelivered Goodbye Letter
August 25, 2016
I’ve avoided writing this for quite some time now. I think it’s because this is the second time I’ve wrote you a goodbye letter, but the first time I know it’s forever. You know very well writing helps me process the world or emotions around me as you’ve been on the receiving end of my writing more than once. It doesn’t bother me you will never see this letter though, because it’s not for you, it’s for me. It’s the final effort I’m making to get you out of my head, my desperate attempt for the closure you decided I didn’t deserve.
Memories of you constantly play back in my head like film. From the moment I first laid eyes on you in that cafeteria, to the last glance I caught of you before you drove away from the airport. Over the last six months, I’ve continued to put that film on repeat. Because it ended abruptly, without warning, without conclusion. It upsets me, so I rewind…again…and again. Searching for where I went wrong, searching for the sign that I should have seen, the sign which would have foreshadowed this particular ending. But I can’t find it. I can’t find the sign that pointed to you erasing my existence without warning. I can’t find the sign that made me think you would one day be telling me you missed me and still thought about me, to two weeks later being exiled out of your life as if I had committed some horrible act against you.
Over the last six months I’ve tried to write the ending myself: “It wasn’t his fault, he was forced”, “He’s only doing what he has to do for the sake of his future relationships, there was no other way”, “This is just temporary, one day he’ll explain everything”, “It was too hard for him to say goodbye to me, so he didn’t say anything at all.” But none of those endings satisfied me…because you took away the truth. I was left in limbo, I was left in uncertainty, I was left to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong. The last six months I’ve felt stuck, angry, confused, hurt, embarrassed, and deeply saddened. Maybe you assumed I couldn’t handle the truth? Maybe you resented me? Maybe you resented yourself for the mess you made by trying to keep me in your life? I thought I would have shown throughout our relationship my flexibility and understanding of your life back home, I thought you would have known me well enough to know you could tell me what was going on and I would do my very best to understand. Because I thought we had a mutual respect for each other and shared a friendship above all else. I suppose I thought wrong. But at this point it doesn’t matter what the reasoning was behind your actions, the damage has been done. This goodbye letter marks the acceptance that I will have to move forward without that conversation, without the closure I have been trying to claw at.
I wish you would have never spoke to me after that day you drove me to the airport. I wish you did then what you’re so easily doing now. But you didn’t, you selfishly held on to me and I foolishly let you. Contacting me when it was convienent for you, blurting out promises you knew you couldn’t keep, filling my head with what you thought I wanted to hear and what would make me happy..
“Just know that you are so missed, Miss Simpson”
“Have a great day, gorgeous”
“I would do anything to just be by your side”
“I should have never let you leave, everything has gone wrong since you left. It’s like God was saying ‘You idiot, you should have asked her to marry you’”
And all for what? For it to end like this? What was any of this for? What a mess I’ve allowed you to make inside my heart, all because you couldn’t be honest with yourself. Because you’re such a people pleaser and don’t want to upset anyone, you ended up hurting me more than I thought anyone could. But I blame myself for allowing someone to be so wreckless with my heart. That night we sat in the kitchen, when you told me the news about your life back home…you might as well have been saying “I’m going to fall in love with you, you’re going to fall in love with me, but you’re going to end up getting hurt. Cool with that?” And what my was my blind, naive response? “Well, alright!” Stupid, stupid, stupid Shaylah.
Remember what you said to me while I was in Switzerland? About the easiest “NO” you had ever given? I do. And then what happened about one month later? You did exactly what you said you’d never do and you’re exactly where you said you’d never be. But I will not blame you for going against what you said, because regardless of all the bullshit, there is one person who deserves every bit of stability in her life. I blame you for not being man enough to admit it to me.
I fully believe I was a stepping stone for you, a temporary relief. Eventually there was no need for my existence in your life, which you have made ever so clear. It is embarrassing how deep down I knew this could happen, but I eagerly hung onto your words and optimism. I’ve always been one to believe that people come into your life for a purpose and some are to stay permanently, some temporarily. To never regret the relationships you share with people no matter how short lived. But to be honest, I have never regretted anyone the way I regret you. I question the sincerity of any guy who has tried to show me affection since you. I’ve questioned my worth as a significant other since I’ve been so easily tossed aside. My chest gets tight when the thought of opening up and trusting another pops into my head. I was never that person before you. But I think with time, I will break down my own walls I have put up since you, because you will be forgotten. I will forgive myself for the mistake of you. And one day you will be a passing thought, not a harsh feeling.
So for the first and last time; goodbye to you and goodbye to the memories.