Poly & Hot and having to explain myself alot

This piece was created originally for and published by On Dit Issue 85.7.
I’m in a non-monogamous relationship, it says so on my tinder profile. I don’t really like the word polyamory, its not a big gripe, its just a bit uncomfortable i guess?. The word kind of reminds me of people who make their own business cards using blackadder font, rock up to parties in white shirts, waistcoats and some kind of hat, or are white, have dreadlocks and have voluntarily lived in a van or are planning to. These are stereotypes that have some truth in them, I’m not exempt to this: my partner is artsy-man-bun-beard-scarf & I’m fat-queer-gender-studies-student lol.
This ‘lifestyle’ can be a healthy way to challenge institutionalised monogamy-culture, toxic behaviour which that the patriarchy cheerleads for as normative and it can also be a horrible garbage fire. Talking about it, its hard not to feel like I’m oversharing, but thats probably because people assume that being transparent about this, means I’m game for an open slather of invasive questions.
Regardless It keeps things interesting, and can assist FOMO, but tbqh it sucks to not be considered in the realm of normal. There is still stigma & shame associated with desire outside of relationships, and this is evident in the headless couple tinder profiles seeking unicorns. Trying to engage with people on tinder can be punishing enough, without the added flog of being treated like I’m express self serve check out to sex, a carnival novelty fascination fuck or a personal guru to help random men open their current relationships, because they have an problem with cheating.
A lot of the benefits or downsides of this lovestyle, is basically the same relationship problems or perks but amplified. Validation of your physical attractiveness via sexting or encounters, posting PDA on social media, not communicating enough, petty overtired fights, your partner getting the flu and so you do as well. None of this is particularly alien, sometimes it is just really mundane.
We’re all familiar with the phenomenon where people vanish socially when they are part of couple. Like small change, people in long term relationships can get stuck in couches, doing tim tam slams in their jim jams. Being in multiple relationships doesn’t mean that its always going to be exciting naked horse riding adventures, often its couchsurfing and driving in your Pj’s to your next significant other’s lounge room.
The more charming side of having many loves, is that it is a wonderful thing to know someone and to be known. To have affectionate constellations of people that you intimately appreciate, who want to bare witness to your life. There are a lot of good feels to be had when you see someone else, seeing the sparkle & beauty in your partner. It feels special to feel that strength and trust, where you feel confident in yourself, and your partner, who feels happy, satisfied, safe and important. Life is short, and there is a strong allure to have many romantic connections with people, sexual diversity has many faces and its nice to be able to sit on a bunch of them.
This relationship choice has made me more skeptical about the showmanship of dating, the objectifying bullshit of romanticising the idea of someone, and is fine tuning my ability to set, discuss & uphold boundaries.
Dating is less daunting when you’re not single, its already affirmed that you’re worthy of respect, there is a lot of comfort in knowing that if I go on a shitty date, theres to someone to debrief with after.
Big thing to note; relationships don’t exist in a vacuum, they ripple into communities. Poly isn’t a warranty that everyone will be chill with all the things and people that you want to do. Having an eagerness to sex or love heaps of people isn’t meaningful or ‘radi-cool’ unless you’re doing it in an ethical way. This means not finding yourself suddenly time poor, to be an excuse to neglect your partners emotionally, being aware to not set up triangulating dynamics or blaming your partners for their emotions. People are not disposable, (informed) consent should never be taken for granted, folks who practise non-monogamy are not inherently more ethical than the rest of the population.
There are a lot of gross people out there in the world, people who describe themselves as sapiosexuals, and have a habit of dating teenagers.The bottom line is that rewarding relationships involve strong communication skills, emotional literacy and taking an active role in this.
A good relationship only works if you do, this applies to relationships however brief or big, & to quote Ru Paul, you better work!.