They Say Write What You Know, and What I Know Is Anxiety, Depression, and Undiagnosed ADHD.
I took a writing class years ago trying to be a better writer. I still have no clue if I am a better writer for it. How do you judge that? What even is good writing? I guess as long as it is comprehensible, that is moving in the right direction. In middle-school and high-school I was invited to write for a contest because a few teachers thought I was good enough to get into that. Me being me didn’t take it seriously and I didn’t progress. Sometimes I wonder if I had worked harder maybe it would have been a different story. That’s the funny thing though, looking back, it could have been any outcome and right now, as I sit here, the outcome that was is what brought me to this exact moment. Any other outcome I wouldn’t be here. So, really I think I am thankful.
Around two years ago I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD, which as it turns out is a progression or the “next step” in undiagnosed ADHD as a child. According to doctors apparently growing up I had ADHD but no one picked up on it or I simply wasn’t in a place for anyone to diagnose me. This is “very common.” I mean, it was the 90’s and during that time in the “coming of age” part of life, meds were seemingly being over prescribed. Kids everywhere were being diagnosed with this new “disorder” the disorder being Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I think even then it was more common for it to be called ADD. Whatever the case, everyone had it and as far as my pediatrician and family went, ADHD was something I didn’t have. I was seen as the excited kid with lots of energy that needed a way to release the energy as much as possible.
Moving into adulthood and after the ADHD diagnosis and reading further into what it all means as well as adding therapy into the mix, I have discovered that over time I have developed coping mechanisms for a lot of what I was experiencing in my adolescence. My family and doctors obviously never intended to put me into any strange spot, and by all accounts I am certain that they were doing what was best with the information available at the time - I for one am also a person who questions literally everything - and how were they supposed to know what the future might present. With that I have found somewhat of a place in this world where I feel my world views and more so, maybe, my experiences might be, and have in many cases been well received.
Also, I have decided to utilize this platform in an effort to post less on outlets I have used in the past like Facebook, because at least in this case people can choose to read this and don’t have an obligation out of pity to emote to a post I made. May this place serve as a spot of possible validation to those who need it and may it be a place of choice and not in anyway ever feel forceful, I believe it to be called consent. This is a place of consent and learning from a laymen’s perspective.
Okay, so with that I want to chat briefly about these coping mechanisms and what I am feeling and what that looks like now. For sake of sanity and keeping this to as short of a read as possible - because I imagine what brought you here is buzz words like “depression” or “anxiety” or “ADHD” we or I have a very small window of focus to capture and hold onto and while I have you here I want to make this as enjoyable an experience as possible. *big breath in* Here we go.
Depression. At this very moment I am going through a depressive state or episode. I know this because I feel depressed, all the time. It’s like I am the walking, talking cliché of depression. Nothing feels fun, it’s hard to get out of bed, things I used to do seem “meh” at best, my favorite foods stay in the fridge, TV shows aren’t funny, and so on, and so on, and so on. If you gave me a clinical “10 Questions To Find Out If You Are Depressed” assessment, check all 10 boxes baby because on paper this shit is real. Funny enough before the ADHD diagnosis the depression was one of my first diagnoses. Funny how that happens.
As for the coping mechanisms? Well these have changed over the years as my life has change. Change being, ya’ know, the normal Millenial life stuff like a divorce, crippling college debt, the inability to buy a house because of said debt, more debt, the daily questioning of my self worth against every perfect person on social media, multiple once-in-a-lifetime events happening in my lifetime etc. etc. But as far as coping? Well, it first started as what we will call the “anxious stomach.” Literal stomach aches. Next was the idea that I was dying followed by the need to be home. Agoraphobia, not so great if you’re trying to be the life of the party. In adulthood this looks like making plans when excited followed by hating myself for making plans when it’s time to do the plans so I cancel the plans. Or my personal favorite, sleepless nights thinking about the future and every possible thing that can go wrong, recently and most common the ultimate death of my mom and dad. Oh, also doom scrolling Facebook or Instagram. Trying to figure out where you fit in as a person in society. Questioning who your real friends are and what you actually believe in. Is there a God? That’s another post at another time.
So, coping? Yeah sorry, got off track. That. Well therapy. That’s one of the few things, at least for me. I have to go to the mind mechanic. Have them tune up under the hood. As for overcoming things? Techniques is what I think they are called. Real quick through, I want to give you some more insider info. There’s some stuff they don’t tell you? Therapy? Well, it’s not an instant fix. Your mind is a muscle. It needs to be worked out and flexed to learn to change or in this case find new truths. These exercises or techniques given to you by the therapist are for that. It’s brain exercise to fix a learned and sometimes weakened mental state. At the end of the day though? If you are reading and are experiencing depression I think the MOST important thing above even the therapist is learning emotional intelligence.
Okay so what’s that? Basically, let the emotions in. Stop fighting them. Accept them, even if they aren’t necessarily valid in the moment. Feel them. Let them flow through you. Then when you are ready release them. Expel them. Be done with them. For me looking back at a lot of other depressive states growing up and being in them too long was me either rejecting the idea of depression or just simply not being taught the concept of allowing myself to feel emotions correctly. I was told how and why I shouldn’t feel, mostly by bullies or entertainment like TV, but was never given permission to feel. So do just that. If you feel depressed. Frankly be depressed. It might not make sense, but allow it in. If you fight it you will ultimately have the emotion(s) lasting longer because now you are in a thought loop, and loops go on forever. The quikest and best way to win? Allow it in. Weird right? Funny enough it works. I am depressed currently. I have accepted it. I am writing about it, and soon it will pass. But for now I am sad and that’s okay.
Anxiety. Yeah about this. Anxiety succkkksssss. It’s frankly a bullshit response to anything in life that makes you freak out for no reason and you look silly sitting in a coffee shop randomly crying over an episode of The Office because Jim can’t get Pam and you can’t quite figure out why this is affecting you the way it is, but it turns out you are just manifesting the death of your aunt and it triggers you to go all doomsday for when your parents are going to die and not being able to call them to ask if it’s been too long to eat the lunch meat you opened a few days ago, so you think you are having a heart attack and are certain you are about to die in this coffee shop so you excuse yourself to the bathroom and have a heart to heart in the mirror which takes entirely too long so now you’re worried if the people at the table know you’re freaking out or if they just think you seriously took a dump in a public restroom, and geeze you realize it’s the only restroom in the coffee shop and there is someone knocking and you say, “just a minute” and then they try again, Jesus, why are they trying again you just said, “just a minute” what is this person’s problem and why can’t they just go away you need a few more minutes, and oh by the way there’s 900 emails in you inbox and the people who are waiting for me to answer probably hate me now, shit I should probably go back to my table now it’s been way too long, oh man, what am I going to say when I get back to make this not be awkward…
So, this hasn’t happened to me exactly but a lot of those thoughts have gone through my head while having an anxiety or panic attack. I literally threw up once while boarding a plane because I was full blown panic attack and thought I was having a Final Destination moment and saw the future and in that future the plane crashed. I was certain I was going to die. I’ve also been stuck in a car with people I am good friends with and my brain decided that it was a good time to freak out and fake a heart attack. When I was a kid it was convincing myself my desk mate was going to throw-up if they made any kind of bodily sound at all. Guess, my reaction the day that scenario finally played out for real. I’ll save you the trouble. I wanted to move desks, wouldn’t sit in the chair the kid puked on, and told everyone I could that I KNEW it was going to happen. This unfortunately validated my overreaction.
Anxiety is a weird one. As for coping as a child, it might look like calling your parents in the middle of the night to have them come pick you up from a friend’s house because you just got made fun of and it triggered a nervous stomach. Or not going places with your classmates because you are worried you will get sick while you are there. Sick being like, actually throwing up. Because you know, logically the only place you can throw up is at home. Or not being able to sit through class in school because what if the teacher won’t let you leave during class to use the restroom? Okay first of all if you are a teacher not allowing children to use the restroom shame on you, but also to everyone if you have a child being weird about the restroom pull them aside and ask them what they need. I literally skipped field trips because of this problem. In fact I had a school bus pull over one time because I had convinced myself that I needed a restroom right then and began freaking out. It was more embarrassing and stressful trying to use the restroom with a school bus of 100 of my classmates waiting on me so the anxiety got even worse.
I think as an adult coping is a bit more mature. It’s the ability to excuse yourself to do what you need to do, but I still find myself in moment of false reality. Sometimes my brain just decides it’s time to freak out, and most of the time it’s for no apparent reason. I’ve been in the safest places in the world and still my mind says, “now is the time we die,” and off to anxiety-ville I go. I will say to anyone who has a loved one with anxiety probably the best thing you can do to help - I get asked this a lot - is to allow them space to freak out but also let them know you are there if they need anything. It’s even better if you can learn the body language or to notice when they anxiety starts to strike.
You’ll notice sometimes they won’t want to admit they are having a hard time, but if you can see the signs it helps if you can play defense for them for a short time while they collect their composure if they can get away or have a quick second. Hell, maybe even make a code word that just let’s you know as their partner, “hey my most excellent loved one, I am freaking the f*ck out right now, and could use a quick second, please help me.” I had a friend once that his codeword was “cupcake” and he and his partner would work that into conversation if he needed a moment or felt anxiety coming on.
One more thought I had as I was writing this was parents, if you have an anxious child, please hear this, if you hear anything at all, school musical productions where everyone has to sing on stage are a LITERAL NIGHTMARE. It is the worst. It sucks. In no way can I express how much stress and triggering these things are for your kids, speaking from experience. Those things were AWFUL. Two quick thoughts on these things.
- If you are so inclined to have your kids participate and it is important to you that they do. At the very least hear them out and let them know that if they need to leave the stage or want to stand in the back that’s okay. Or talk to their teacher to let them know what’s going on. For me it was getting stuck in the hot lights in the middle of 300 students in the back row on those dumb metal risers that freaked me out. It felt like I couldn’t get out if I needed to, and on top of that there were what felt like thousands of eyes on me at all times. Once I was allowed to move to the edge of the risers and to the side and I felt like I had a way out, MUCHHHHH BETTER.
- Allow your child the excuse to just not do it. Tell them it’s okay, they did nothing wrong, and take them out for ice cream or something that gives you special time with them. Or, find other smaller avenues they can be involved with things that gives them an opportunity to show off for you. For me I truly enjoyed impressing my parents with paintings or drawings or crafts, well over standing in front of a huge crowd, choking down nervous pukes, and being exhausted after the experience because I just wanted to go home. Find that happy medium and allow them to impress you there. I understand life lessons and building up their life skills and confidence but we all aren’t created to be in front of crowds, and I think that is ok.
There is so much more to write about anxiety and what that looks like but I’ve already gone over time and need to get into ADHD real quick.
ADHD. This is a fun one that is so convoluted and a loaded thing but I am going to write a quick thing or two about this because there is so much I want to try and say. What have I learned after an ADHD diagnosis? Well, it’s so much more than the TV shows and movies will have you believe. It’s not funny really, it’s not just a bumbling, forgetful person. I know I sound maybe somewhat oversensitive, but in the reality that is ADHD it’s actually awful. It’s a mind that feels like a TV that is constantly changing channels. It’s a stereo on full volume “this one goes all the way to 11” you literally can’t turn down, and for me at times it’s created actual ringing in my ears because when the constant volume is happening internally, external sound is excruciating. Mix sound sensitivity in with anxiety and depression, it’s a mix for outbursts of anger because you just feel stuck with it all and there’s no way to get away from it. I recognize this in myself now. A lot of those times I was irrationally angry? I was freaking out because of overstimulation.
If that stuff isn’t bad enough there’s the embarrassment that comes with the forgetfulness that to other’s seems so simple to overcome. For example just today I walked out of my home without a tool box I spent 20 minutes putting together to help a friend because I was thinking 10 steps ahead and I didn’t realize I had forgotten it until I was down the road. This forgetfulness also generates more anxiety. Packing for a trip? Yeah sure, just let me go ahead and pack and re-pack 4–5 times to make sure I have enough underwear for a 2 day trip. In the end I end up overpacking most of the time anyways because all I want is peace of mind, and not forgotten briefs left in my drawer. The forgetfulness also spreads into other parts of life. Texting people back? Yeah right. Emails? Oh, hope you like insanely complicated inbox folder systems because this is the only way I can function. Executive function is the fancy catch phrase for the ability to make your body do the things it needs to do, and ADHD peeps lack the ability to execute on many, many levels.
Another quick note on sensory overload and what this might look like in kids. Jeans, awful. Socks, awful. Itchy Christmas sweaters, awful. Shoes on too tight. Being too hot and unable to get cooled off. Bright lights. Loud TV’s. Loud sounds in general. SAND. Do…not…get…me…started…on…sand. Sticky things, please kill me before I have sticky hands and can’t the sticky off. Smells. People chewing, I swear the awful thoughts I’ve had having to listen to someone chew gum next to me or eat loudly. These things and more generally trigger insane mood swings. Kids don’t know how to process it all they know is they want to punch someone or something. It’s not that they are being difficult- sure some are I get it- but others are literally freaking out if there is ADHD involved.
Best way to describe it, is it feels like you are trapped inside your body and can’t get out. The jeans hurt and you can’t get away from it. For me even now, if you mix sand, sunscreen, and salt water, and ask me to put my shirt on to get in the car. Nope. It’s sticky, scratchy, smells like dead fish, and WHY THE HELL IS THE AC ON! It’s never made sense to me how people relax at the beach, as far as I am concerned it’s a living hell. I go because I want to be with my people, but it’s why I am such a person who loves the mountains. Cool, brisk mountain air mixed with a light breeze blowing the tree limbs around. I am calm even thinking about that. Please know most likely your child isn’t upset with the outfit for style you chose, they are feeling trapped and it litreally hurts. My childhood style was super baggy pants and shirts because it didn’t feel like a straightjacket or needles poking me.
ADHD has so many levels and I am going to work to identify more of what to write later on this topic. I think for now I am going to wrap things up and say that if you are still reading thank you. This post was entirely too long and I realize that but there was a lot going on in the ole noggin’ that needed out so I can sleep tonight. I also want to add that I am in no way a doctor and I have no medial experience but I do have real life experience and have clinically diagnosed ADHD, depression, and generalized anxiety.
I think if there is more that you would like to know about I’d like to kindly invite you to leave a comment below or email me or let me know what questions you might have. I would love more prompts to write to and more items to think about as I continue on this journey. Writing is one of my techniques or coping mechanisims. It get’s all the junk out of my brain and allows me to turn down the noise a bit. Cool right? So I am going to keep doing this when times are right or when I have enough new material to write about. Admittedly in the past I try to make blogging or writing “a thing” and once it becomes “a thing” it get’s ruined and I feel like I have to do it which makes it no fun. All that to say I am writing this for me, and if anyone else wants to read along very cool. If no one reads, also very cool, but the main win here is the silence that comes from a brain dump. Also, I love looking back at my posts to see what I was thinking at certain times in the past.
So that’s that. If you would like, hit me up with questions, ideas, feedback, or whatever else you’d like to share.
Okay. Love ya. Bye.
