Fantasy Shitpost Espiode 2: Attack of the K.Hunt

Recap

Well week 1 is in the bag and honestly, it has to be about the weak of the dud studs. I mean c’mon, who would have thought we would have had that Antonio Brown, Le’veon Bell, OBJ, David Johnson, Julio Jones, Ezekiel Elliot, and Tom Brady, combined would all have a goose egg for touchdowns. If you told me that Le’veon Bell would have one of the worst game and not even be in the top 20 of RB’s, or if Tom Brady would struggle vs KC and not throw 1 TD, you would have been laughed outta the room. But remember, this is fantasy, and although we tend to overreact sometimes to the first week, remember, there is still a whole season and one loss at this point will not ruin your chances entirely.

This means the shitposts will only get spicier. I do encourage you sons of bitches to come out and hang out during the season, its good fun and gives me more material to go off of. God bless!

Shout out of the week: Goes to Dave & Busters, who would have thought they do a fantastic hosting for a couple of hopeful fantasy nerds. Props to that bartender for making a halfway decent bloody as well as the same bartender underestimating my ability to eat what they call, a “mountain” nachos. Either way, I’m on board next week, lets take over the bar lads!!

Power Rankings Week 2

Peyton Manning Tier

  • Meeseeks and Destroy (Shea): As stated previously, this team is a beast. A monster in the shadows of your darkest fears. That moment when you see that flash of sirens behind you while speeding down the highway, or that feeling when you realized that your “DD” just took his 3rd shot in the last hour and you gotta get your own ride, but then realize your phone died so you have to make that walk home. Yeah, that feeling. Your done kiddos. Le’veon Bells performance was just a fluke, he was just getting in his preseason game after sitting out those games. Hes about to go off. Hunts looking good on a strong KC team and its obvious that Cooper is David Carr's go to target in the red zone (honestly tho who the fuck drops the ball 3 times in a row in the end zone?). With my stud WR’s from the state of Florida coming back after that surprise bye and Cooks paired up with a pissed off Brady, I feel no remorse for my next victim. Someone get the defibrillator ready.
  • 1.21 JJWatts (Darcy): As Predicted, this mofo is doing what I thought he would do. Destroy the competition. After what looked like a mediocre start, this man took it upon himself to get the first weekly high. Congrats, we all hate you. This is with Gronkowski getting close to shutout and that bum of a Redskins running back only getting him 3 points. The only real question is whether or not the Rams success is just because they went against the only team weaker than the NY Jets or if Gurley will repeat last year. Here’s to hoping!!
    Alas, that week was even with Drew Brees looking shitty…

Matt Stafford Tier

  • Team Grzebinski (Tony/Pollack): A tough loss to Darcys team, but still managed to put up monster numbers despite losing David Johnson. This man is a modern day General Robert E. Lee, his boys are literally dying on the field of battle and he is just coming out a little bit behind. Seeing this as a war of attrition, can he rise up to be a Teddy Roosevelt? or will he become a Herbert Hoover (the guy who made the depression even worse if that was possible…) He still has a solid Running game and a decent TE. The real question is whether or not his receivers can show up. If they do and he can make some good Waiver Wire picks, he can still hang with the big dogs. This could be a big week already.
  • Team Chacon (Miguel): After what seemed to be a close game between Tim, the guy who drafts 3 qbs and multiple defenses still has a good starting lineup. As much as I gave him shit, his starting lineup looks kinda intimidating. LeSean Mccoy and Rodgers are fucking studs and Zach Ertz is looking legit with Wentz throwing to him. He is suspect on his backup, I feel his core position backups have little to no depth. If he stays injury free, he may just make something of himself, if not, well he can go back to the bottom from whence he came. But credit earned is credit earned!
    The real question is when does he drops that extra D. I’m streaming man I need more options!!

Kyle Orton Tier

(Formerly known as the Alex Smith Tier)

Orton never laid the smack down in Foxborough
  • Team Mojo (Tim): Alas, Tim could stop Miguel from giving him that Double D, I mean cmon the guy only has two hands. Despite this he still managed to put over 100 points and that is due in part to some great games from a unknown of Gillislee and even Golden Tate decided to show up (fucker). This is all without his best RB and WR btw. Yeah that’s right. Ajayi and Evans had their bye. Things are going to get interested moving forward for this playoff hopeful. I would have rated higher but it wouldn’t make sense for a team to improve their ranking after losing. If he can have a solid bounce back week, I have no problem declaring this team good.
  • Team DIEGOD (Bob): Has been upgraded with a solid win and somehow Jerry Jones has managed to keep “girlfriend beating” Elliott outta trouble and into the league. What a fucking steal for the round he got him in. However, the problem is that defenses are gonna be keying in on this fucker and although he had good yards, not the most impressive YPC. If he can do close to what he did last year, this team has a chance, as I previously stated, there is suspect to some of the pieces of this team. Aside from having both a RB1 and WR1, no one else is looking above a 2. Bob is gonna need some of his guys to produce in order to ensure its just not a 2 man team. Still this week should be a bit more telling as to what this team is capable of.
  • Pound Town (Justin): Say what you want, a win is a win. Not too many people could have predicted the Minnesota game going so dominant in the way for the Vikings. If it weren’t for Diggs, this team would have hardly looked great for the first week. Despite this, the running game does look suspect. But the TE game is on point, with a top 10 TE, Justin once again strikes gold (Delanie looked GOOD in that game) and with what I see being a Titans team that is going to get better, the pickup of Murray may increase as well. Still outside of Terrance West, there really isn’t much going on in the bench. We’ll see if some of these picks can blossom, Keenan Allen has that chance, but if not, this may just be an average team.

Jamarcus Russell Tier

  • Pimpin Ain’t Breesy (Logan): There was high hopes for this team, however, not sure on the name (he doesn’t have Brees on his team? *Thinking*) As I mentioned before, theres a reason they call it the Dalton line for average QB’s. TBH, you could have started the new back up for the Broncos, The Brock Lobster, and woulda had more points. You only stayed out of 2nd to worst place by less than 1 point. 
    Despite these faults (cmon seriously why not Fleek like Tyreek or something…), CMac was getting some serious ball love, there is hope for the young McCaffrey as well as picking up the two good pieces of the Chiefs offense in Hill and Kelce. With the way that our very own Semen Demon (Trevor Simien for the uninitiated) looking like a competent QB, the upside of this team is there, but until that QB issue is addressed, this team may have a hard time competing with top contenders.
  • Team Ward (Noah): More really just a victim of circumstance or maybe just a bad manager. This guy had 3 picks that could have added a total of over 30 points to his score sitting on his bench. Let me repeat that again so he can just hate me for pointing this out. Sat the obvious All Pro and Future HOF Adam Theilen 24.7 point game for Michael Thomas, Coby “THE GOAT” Fleener for Jimmy Graham and his 3.8 points or however that Carson Wentz, the prodigy showing up some 6th round nobody named Brady.
    In all honestly I kid tho, to be fair, I would have started the same lineup as so would the rest of us. If anything Noah is here to remind us that this is just a game of luck and if someone had just randomly picked players off his bench, theres a chance they could have had a higher score. But thats just it, thats Fantasy Football. Its why we play. To laugh when the person we played against could have won if he played the right guy. Noah, I believe you have the team to bounce back.
  • Auto Pick (Ben): Obviously you belong here with the lowest total points in the league. This is really just more of a formality than anything, if I didn’t do this, everyone would assume I was treating you special, above everyone else. I gotta be politically correct in this day and age right?
    I do still think your WR core is stupidly good and your TE is amazing. Suspect tho in Manning, he may be joining his brother soon if he keeps playing the way he does. With no clear RB1, just a clusterfuck of RB2’s, you gotta hope that one of these guys will step it up to carry Mannings corpse just like Von Miller did to Peyton. Still tho, those WR’s, god damn. Looking at your team is so infuriating as that auto pick took so many of pieces that should have been on my team. All you can do is go up from here, or at least one would assume. If not, you should probably get a chance to speak with Eli and put some pep into his step.

Predictions

Obviously one picture here…

Shea V Miguel: Someone please keep the alcohol away from Miguel, last thing I need is his ass waking up to find his players scored like 200 points. Even still I think my boys FAR better match ups. I suspect this game to be close for the first 5 minutes. So everyone should just ignore the fact that ESPN projects Miguel to get 123 points. I’m pretty sure if you put all these analysts in front of a pile of shit, they would probably its mud with an upside of chocolate. I plan on keep slamming on the K.Hunt express, let the train ride. Buena suerte mi hermano!!

Shea Wins

Noah V Ben: Battle of the losers and by that I mean the teams that scored the bottom two lowest (albeit not my much) now prepare to enter the dumpster to have one trash packed game that only one can come out on top. Brady’s gonna have a fun time against the Saints, and if the Chiefs eat up a young Eagles team, this could be a good week for Noah. Eli to OBJ could be the saving factor. I expect that D Hopkins should have a solid day against Cincinnati as well. Close game, but you can’t bet against Brady twice in a row.

Noah Wins

Logan V Tim: Another battle of losing records. However, this is a Tim Grzebinski team with his First pick of RB and WR, both of which have RB1 and WR1 potential. This could easily be a blowout in favor of Tim. But as we saw this week, teams were rusty. The fact the Florida teams had an extra week off, could mean they are really well rested, or just extra rusty. These two players will be the difference between who wins or loses. I see Mike “Godzilla” Evans going to town on a basically a Bears defense that is more leaky than the Florida coastline.

Tim Wins

Justin V Darcy: Alas, this is the battle of Jason & Goliath. Darcy has the highest projected total and even if you didn’t believe ESPNs ratings, just by looking at the players alone is scary enough, cept for a Cards RB. That team was DJ, the fact hes gone, makes that team about as offensively scary as the Jets. If Justin wins, its the fact that that poor RB gets smacked into the dirt and Devonta Freeman has his way with a GB defense that has always struggled against a good offense. But that still alot of “what ifs”.

Darcy Wins

**Match Up of the Week**

Bob V Tony: The drama around this matchup was just too much to cover. Tony’s team has proven it can put up big points without his first round pick and Bob was kinda lucky he played against one of the worst teams. But this is where we can see a team go up 2–0 and another team go down 0–2. Or a 1–1. There are so many intriguing matchups on both sides. Elliot vs Denver? AJ Green vs Houstons AJ Bouye? Emmanual Sanders vs a suspect Dallas secondary or Jacquizz Rodgers against that shitty chicago team. This is a game that may go down to the Monday night game, if any of their players actually would be playing on Monday… I say Matt Ryan has a big day over Green Bay, giving Tony the edge, but only by 2 points.

Tony Wins

My prediction record 2–3 (To be fair though, all those good players just shitting the bed week one… won’t happen again)

These seem to come out easier under the influence of some nice bourbon or whiskey. Any donations are appreciated for Quality Control.