The beginning

“To live if to suffer, but to survive, well, that’s to find meaning in the suffering ”- DMX. Life is not easy. Very few of us can say we have traveled down the easy road. Every person endures some hardship, some suffering. But some of us have more of a burden to bear than others. These few must give it everything just to survive. Exhausted, they keep tracking along, chasing the hope that maybe one day it will all be okay. How then can something so beautiful turn into such a nightmare? Every expectation, every hope, every dream shattered before you. I am tired. I am exhausted. But this is a story of unwavering faith and unyielding strength. This is a story of heartbreak but survival. Most importantly this is a story about merciless love. A love that can only come from a mother to her children. That when everything came crashing down, love, patience, understanding, truth, and perpetual determination and constant faith held me all together. Not searching for the meaning in the suffering but finding it along the way. Never losing hope. Hope for the present and the future. Life is insurmountably difficult. But I must always keep moving on, searching for the next best movement. Lord keep us in your hands as we fight this fight. Let not the waves overtake us. May I always be in peace regardless of the circumstance. And when I want to scream, when I want to give up, when I ask how this could happen to me, this nightmare, this torture, bring me comfort, courage and fortitude.

This is a story of a mother that always knew something wasn’t quite right. Fighting all the way against the doctors, therapist, even my own husband and mother. Doing all the research, reading all the articles and books I could get my hands on. Even going to college for a degree in psychology in hope for answers. But never once giving up. This is my story. More importantly, this is my daughter’s journey. Although we are far from the end, and we continue to learn along the way, there are many others who are traveling similar paths. They need a voice they need understanding and guidance. Its perhaps one of the toughest expeditions a parent and a child can go through. But we are not alone. We are not isolated, however much it feels that way. There is something you can do. You are not powerless.