LOSING GRIP

Lately it doesn’t feel too good. I’m trying to stay afloat. I’ve been telling myself a lot of things just so I could believe them. It’s a dark path and my moon only shows in the morning. My spirit fails me time and again, and I fill my voids with habits of the loser in an American sitcom. My eyes betray me to myself, I’m barely hanging in here. I’m falling apart, the party is on my feet. I look like I got it together but together don’t got me. My mind is playing games on me… but that’s what happens when you don’t embrace that you can be weak. My insides have been strong for too long… but that’s exactly why they’re cracking. Take a breath and let go, I swear I can hear my pillow talk some nights.

I’m angry at myself. I was supposed to be my hero but I’m the villain. Where am I when I need me? You told me you’d always come but you’ve been hiding. I’m going down and you have watched me drown in the river of tears, lost beneath the stream. I’m lost in this tide. Love brings you flowers then it builds you coffins. But, under the waves I find the strength to say, the river of tears has washed me clean. For love sinks but hope floats, and only Alessia could sing exactly how I feel. Know-it-all 2015. I broke my own heart.

Music helps me define how I feel.

When you’ve done everything and nothing seems to work out, surrender to the energy and let it flow, Oprah tells me. Pick up the battle and make a better world, Maya says. I’ve been living in fear, but that’s not the worst part. The worst part is I thought I knew better. Courage & love, no these two are not as simple as their frequent appearance in books and words. Their purest form could give you an immunity you never imagined. And so I shall not hide behind my weaknesses, but I will let people see themselves in me.

I’m not grounded, I’m just trying to be. I don’t know what I’m doing, I just hope it works. I don’t know if there’s a God, but when I pray I find peace. I don’t know if I love my job or maybe it’s just the office. I don’t know if I’m ambitious or am just too scared of poverty & dependence. I don’t know if the people I hold close are genuine, but my soul lights up when they make me laugh. I used to think sex was great, but it just don’t matter right now. I don’t know if I fall in love because the person is authentic, or just coz it’s re-assuring to feel important to someone. I’m flimsy as could be, but I finally found the courage to accept that. I’m selfish with myself, but that’s just not where it ends. I cringe when people are vain, but I’m my reference when I give advice? I’m pissed off when people act needy, but I’m lonely even when in a group. I was a top student introverted nerd in primary school, but maybe I just couldn’t make any friends. I thought I became cool in high school, but maybe I just wanted to be accepted. My family now thinks I’m of strong character, but maybe I finally made peace with my self-esteem. Sometime back people left coz they thought I didn’t care, but I was depressed… and the kind that strikes in the middle of a laugh. I use humour to hide it. I don’t know if I’m writing this to help out, or just so I can have closure with myself. We all have battles, but I don’t want to fight them… so I’ll try to face them. Someone told me I live in my head. It’s real nice and calm in there, but I’ll try to take walks more often just to feel the rain on my skin. To see people’s eyes and show more love. To guide more than I judge. Build more than I expect. To listen more than I stare, and feel more than I control. To nourish my soul with God’s goodness and art, then let it rest in His embrace. For I have failed Him and me, but His grace abounds in deepest waters.

Fear surrounds me, but the desire to light a path is greater. And until my spirit is a center to resonate from, then and only then can the world feel my energy… All the books in the world couldn’t help me. I’m losing my grip so I can find my fate, and I hope that people understand that it’s okay to feel weak. Once you embrace that, use it to fuel your strength and empower others who may need it. Till then, keep soul searching.