I don’t remember a thing from the last year

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Today is 1st Jan, a new year.

Everything else that happened was last year.And I can’t remember it.

It was last year sometime (7th Jan) that he stood behind me and went ‘Hey! What’s up?’ to surprise me (at 2 AM at the cold, windy airport).And I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face for days, because everything seemed unreal. Maybe it was. But i don’t remember it, because that was last year. And this is a new year.

It was last year sometime, (14th April, 3.45 PM) that I locked myself up in a washroom cubicle and blotted out the tears, which were dangerously perched on my eyelids, because of a minor anxiety attack. I had just been told my report submission wasn’t right, and all the feelings of self-loathing that i had harboured at my previous job came back in waves. But again, my memory is hazy and I don’t remember most of it. It was last year. This is 2018.

It was last year sometime when i realised my ‘issue’ wasn’t that i ‘just overthink things’ as I was told a million times in my life. I had a diagnosis, (29th May, in the doctor’s cabin, 8PM). I had felt a misplaced sense of elation, which i reasoned, was because now i knew what to call it. And i knew what to work on. And i knew i wasn’t alone. I’ve been working on it for a while now. So naturally I don’t remember what it was like early on. As i said, that was last year. This is 2018.

Sometime in the last year, I saw him for the last time. (October 19th, 4.50 PM) Later that week, was the last time he said he loved me. Later that month, was the last time we joked. Later that year was the last time I had his contact on my phone. Funny, you’d think I’d not forget something like this. But it was last year, and I have a family incidence of Alzheimer. So screw me for forgetting the little details.

Sometime in the last year, I made compromises. I slowed myself to let others catch up. I doubted my self worth. I let life happen and just watched. I chose fragile peace over fighting for myself. I gave more importance to the world, minus myself. But I’m glad I don’t remember how to do that anymore. I’m glad this is a new year. And I only know myself here.

I might have missed a few details here and there. But you get the general idea right?