how is ANY of this normal?!
I ran out of ink. I am trapped in a bad dream. All there is is noise. It never, ever, ever stops. I just stop listening…..Help me
The Bizarreness of what is
In his book ‘On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are’, Alan Watts briefly describes the feeling of bizarreness that one might feel at the existence of things that seem like they shouldn’t exist. We can agree that when said out loud there are many things about reality that just sound outlandish.
“It is a special kind of enlightenment to have this feeling that the usual, the way things normally are, is odd — uncanny and highly improbable………
This feeling of universal oddity includes a basic and intense wondering about the sense of things.”
The best way to think of this is to recall your amazement at things when you were a child before the world explained out everything to you.
Under the influence of certain substances, these feelings easily resurface and can feel heightened making everything seem quite bizarre.
The matter of fact is, sometimes real life doesn’t feel…..well — real.
The Myth of Rest
Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know but, ever since I hit consciousness around the age of 6, I haven’t had one f*cking day off. It’s always on and on and on. ‘Get some sleep, relax, get some rest’. That doesn’t seem to do the trick. Is sleep rest? Does it feel like rest to you? Please tell me.
My problem perhaps is that I want to feel rested. I don’t want to be unconscious of it. But then what do I do? lie awake and stare into space for rest? Doesn’t work, my brain wouldn’t shut up. So of course, I put on a movie, scroll through Instagram, or play some relaxing video games. I’m resting. Except I’m not because once it’s over I still don’t feel rested.
I’m beginning to think the idea of rest is nothing but an idea. Biologically, sure we are rejuvenating through sleep but, mentally and *spiritually, everything the world recommends to me as a form of rest is simply just a distraction. It doesn't feel like rest.
So is that it then? Is rest simply a brief and forgettable distraction from the endless noise, all the while during the distraction knowing that it is short-lived in comparison to the other side that feels endless? Work all through the year and take two weeks off. Sounds about right.
No Way Out
Disclaimer: Please skip this part if you’re sensitive to the topic of suicide and/or mental illness.
I love how humanity has made such a huge deal about choice when everything that we know as reality doesn’t seem to respect anyone's choices.
I need someone to tell me they chose to be here because I sure didn’t. Or rather let me say chose to come here. We have all chosen to be here till this moment, at least most of us have. We have felt the crippling feeling that this is a cage, a bad dream, a simulation; one in which we do not want to participate in. We’ve all felt it at some point or the other. But then we choose to stay here, to remain here. Why?
Because so far, the only known way out is suicide.
When I hear that someone killed themselves, my first thought isn’t ‘oh no, they were suffering mentally’ or ‘oh no, they were in debt or some shit they had to escape from’. My first thought is ‘wow, they rolled the dice. They f*cking did it.’
Because even if 99% of people taking their lives are truly mentally ill, I’d like to believe there’s at least 1% that did it to call reality’s bluff. That did it as an act of rebellion. As if to say no, I don’t want to play this silly game anymore. This silly game where nothing matters and everything, every little minute thing that you could think of matters to someone, somewhere. Hence the noise.
The Concept of Forever
I say the noise never, ever, ever stops. Meaning it goes on forever. But, don’t you see that we invented the concept of forever? The oldest person who ever lived is documented to have lived only 122 years. And we speak of forever. We have no bearing to speak of forever. Forever is and has always been nothing but, a concept.
At the end of the day, none of us can grasp the concept of forever. Forever is our existence here and now. Which feels unending until suddenly it isn’t. Forever is a figure of speech; simply cited for hyperbolic purposes. But just because forever doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean there is no after. After this; after here.
We hope for an after because we need closure, we need an explanation for all of this…..nonsense. Even people who claim to not believe in an afterlife and are at peace with this reality being the end still spend their time trying to find meaning in things here; in an attempt to seek that closure. Whether it’s love, chaos, art, or the preservation of the human race. We’re all believers in something, all of us.
Big Corporation, the Government, and the All-seeing Eye
Some people who are more focused than I am, more tenacious than I could ever be, go out and they’re seeking the truth. They believe there is a truth to uncover if only you dig enough. And I respect that, in fact, I envy it. I do nothing with my suspicions and hypothesis about my existence. At least they’re doing something.
But I worry that they’re wasting their time. What do you know? What have you discovered on your own? You might come to realize that majority of the things that you know were merely told to you.
Our lives and our day-to-day existence are highly — and I mean highly — influenced by big corporations (looking at you Zuckerburg), the world’s most powerful governments, and of course the all-seeing eye.
When I say the all-seeing eye I’m referring to that uncanny feeling that some of us have experienced that feels bigger than this world, bigger than what we could ever grasp. The uncanniness that some might ascribe to God, aliens, spirits, astrology; whatever your poison is.
At the end of the day, existence is an unending day in which you’re utterly powerless. Have you met happy people? most of them will tell you they’re simply choosing to be happy. Drill a sane, religious person long enough and eventually, they’d admit they’re simply just choosing to believe. No one has that closure. Sometimes we find it temporarily in things, we find that clarity, and then it’s gone again.
Just like Mr. Peanutbutter says; “The key to being happy isn’t a search for meaning. It’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.”
My friends, there is no closure. Even the people you think have it figured out, don’t. They’re simply invested in whatever ‘unimportant nonsense’ they’ve chosen to keep themselves busy with.
What I’m trying to say is — pick your cold zobo(or Kool-Aid as the Americans say) and drink it; it’s all zobo if you look closely enough.
Happy End of 2022!
Forever yours,
Shekinah
