I’m a demigirl. Here’s what that means.
“You’re not a girl. I don’t know what you are.”
I remember the dude who said that to me, but I don’t quite remember why. The year was 2015, we were a group of 20–30 somethings sharing a case of beer and generalizing about gender— “genderalizing” one might say.
The conversation went something like:
Him: “Girls do [this thing].”
Me: “I don’t do that.”
Him: “Yeah but you’re not a girl… I don’t know what you are.”
I remember it made me happy when he said that. Whether that was due to internalized misogyny—like I’m a girl but not one of those girls—or because I genuinely felt seen. It was a rare instance where someone was validating the fact that I’m not quite a girl.
Not woman but not man
I’ve always felt that my experience of femininity was different, but I didn’t have a word for it. I thought, perhaps you could call me “woman” but my expression pushed the boundaries of what that meant. I felt that the things I enjoyed doing were not seen as feminine nor did my mannerisms or sense of dress fit the picture of a woman.
I wondered for a time if perhaps I was a man. When I was young lots of people said I looked like a man. I remember I found it deeply hurtful. I tried wearing boys clothes to see if I felt right in them, I didn’t. Conversely, dressing too feminine felt like wearing a clown’s outfit.
I found it incredibly degrading when a woman would try to “fix” me. She would do my hair or makeup in a way that suited her definition of feminine beauty because mine was subpar. I did not like when women adjusted my clothes, this was often done because something I was wearing made me look fat and they thought they were helping me. No, this is not what they said, but when I’m wearing a long shirt that’s pulled down tight over my belly and they push it up so that the folds in the fabric hide my fat rolls — I get what they’re doing.
So for a while, I was stuck in self-perception limbo, not quite a girl but absolutely not a boy. I stuck with girl though because it was the closest thing.
Late bloomer
Lately—and I’m in my 30s—I’ve been going through a lot of self-reckoning. I’m learning the importance of knowing yourself. It is not only for the aspect of inner peace and self-actualization, but for the benefit of your personal relationships. We develop secure attachments with people when we know who we are and are good with that.
I am not good at setting boundaries. As a result, I often let people impose upon me. It causes me a great deal of pain and it does spill in to every aspect of my life, both personally and professionally. It is impossible to develop good self esteem if you constantly let people dictate who you are and how you should be.
So, what is a demigirl?
When I came across this word, “demigirl” and I read the definition I thought: “That is absolutely me.”
I don’t remember the exact one I saw—probably just Wikipedia to be honest— but I really like this one from Healthline.
Demigirl: This nonbinary gender identity describes someone who partially identifies with being a girl, woman, womxn, or feminine.
The term demigirl tells you about someone’s gender identity but doesn’t convey any information about the sex or gender assigned to someone at birth.
A demigirl can be cisgender or trans.
In other words, I’m not quite a woman but not at all a man. Some people experience elements of both and they may identify as bigender, or something else.
Some people are agender, which means they can be seen as having a non-binary gender identity or no gender identity at all. Agender does not describe me either, but it is closer than “man.”
So, I’m a demigirl.
Now that that’s settled, what does owning this identity mean? Why even tell people when most people don’t care and it will probably confuse the majority who do?
Because, it’s my damned right to exist.
Feminizing me erases me. Masculating me erases me. Suggesting I’m “not quite a woman” without giving me a word to own makes it sound like I am less.
Part of being secure in myself means taking control of my own identity. If I tell someone, “I’m a woman” then there is an expectation that I will live up to that. When I do not, the person gets confused and either imposes their idea of femininity upon me or labels me as “weird.”
When I tell someone, “I’m a demigirl” I get to tell them what that means to me. They can either respect me or not, but that reflects their character and not mine.
Gender is an expression. Judith Butler—a famous smart person—said gender is “performative.” It is not a biological concept as we were told to believe. Boys do not always have penises, girls do not always have vaginas.
Gender is a social construct. It is not universally agreed upon. Some cultures have five genders, and what I’m learning is that ours has many, many more. I dare not even try to put a number on it for fear of leaving people out. Sure, I could find one suggested somewhere online, but why?
Among these countless genders are demigirls. We are diverse in our expression of what that means, but it generally aligns with something between what is perceived as feminine and agender. We are not chained to one particular pronoun. Some may be she/her, she/they, they/them, or others.
And finally, signalling to the world that this is the team I’m on helps me find like-minded individuals who empower and inspire me—and it weeds out the ones who don’t.
Resources for folks with more questions
I’m new to this. This article is part of my coming out process. Writing is my most effective form of communication, and this is how I would like to make myself understood.
That being said, I don’t feel qualified to give advice to those who are having questions about their own gender identity. It can be a very scary—if important—process, especially when we live in a world where trans and queer folks are not always safe. The most I can do is lend a supportive ear, a kind word, and maybe share a couple (but not too many) somewhat helpful links for more info.
These pages might help you understand more about demigirls and other expressions of gender. Maybe you will find one that resonates with you.
Links:
- Demigirl — lgbtqia.wiki
- 68 terms that describe gender identity and expression — healthline.com
- Understanding Gender — genderspectrum.org
- Glossary of terms: Transgender — GLAAD Media Guide, 11th edition
Thank you for stopping by! Happy Pride ❤
EDIT 01/09/2023: I had to edit a bit of the wording of this article post-publishing because a previous version implied that “demigirl” was different from non-binary. In fact, demigirl falls under the non-binary umbrella. -ST