Six underrated social skills to skyrocket your relationships

Technology often steps in to enhance our lives in some way.
With the rise of AI, ‘creative destruction’ has become the theme of the century- dismantling of long-standing practices in order to make way for innovation. Back when the first strides of textile automation were taking place in the 18th century, the Luddites revolted, claiming they’ll be displaced as textile workers en-masse.

Technology destroyed jobs but created new ones and this became an accepted fact; this was the way of life.

We’ll see the same now in the AI revolution that is underway. Many jobs will be lost, skills rendered useless but one will remain- the ability to make connections.

Speak in their ‘currency’

It’s no secret we love talking about ourselves. At the very base of any good relationship is the ability to make someone want to talk to you. Though any interaction is always a two-way street, two people constantly vying for validation from the other person never works out well.

Start understanding what your partner’s ‘currency’ is. A Ph.D researcher working on sustainability is disinterested in how many grams of protein one must consume (unless his interests also include the gym). Likewise, a gym bro doesn’t care about the aerodynamics of a boat improving fuel efficiency.

When meeting someone, try figuring out what’s important to them. Someone interested in martial arts would love talking to you about how they got into it and why they continue to do it. Probe into their lives, find what’s important to them and enjoy learning what makes them, them.

Validate

Listening in itself is a skill not many people are proficient in. Oftentimes, we tend to butt in with our two cents, assuming the other person is looking for advice. More often than not, they just want to talk and have someone listen to them. Moreover,

they want to know that their emotions are valid

‘I’m so stressed all the time, it pisses me off!’
Well, have you tried therapy?

This instantly negates their emotions and makes them believe they’re irrational for feeling that way. There’s something wrong with how they feel.
In reality, no one’s emotions at any moment are un-justified.
They’re emotions. They’re subjective, unique and peppered by past and current experiences. No one has the right to tell anyone else what they’re feeling is invalid.

A better conversation would go…

“I’m so stressed all the time, it pisses me off!”
“You have a stressful job as it is…it’s remarkable you handle it so well”
“Yeah, but maybe I can improve”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ve done well this far and you’ll keep adapting”

This is much better as it doesn’t make the other person feel like they’re being unreasonable for feeling a certain way. They can’t control how they feel.
All you can do is tell them it’s okay to feel that way.

The artful way to speak about yourself

Conventional wisdom on social skills always goes, ‘listen to them speak’ but oftentimes people feel ‘burdened’ to carry the conversation.
If you feel there’s a sudden lull in the conversation, (aka ‘awkward silence’)- your partner has finished speaking and you feel you have nothing to say or the reverse- there’s a way to speak about yourself without ‘hogging the spotlight’.

Listening to them intently is key, obviously; following up, then, can be done by speaking about yourself in relation to what they’ve said

“I skydove last month, it was so awesome”
“Damn, I’ve gone bungee jumping once…it was sooo scary, did you feel the same way?”

OR

“I skydove last month, it was awesome”
“Really? Damn, that sounds scary, I could never imagine myself doing that…how did it feel?”

You’re shining the spotlight onto you briefly and then providing them with ‘conversational fodder’ so that they can talk more about themselves.
Winner.

The art of the compliment

Compliments are always a hit or miss.
While ‘Nice dress’ or a step further, ‘You look amazing in that dress’ works, they’re bland, boring and have been heard by the recipient a million times before. Even though you might genuinely mean what you’re saying, the compliment just falls short.

Enter what I call the ‘je ne sais quois’
Sounds bland? Stay with me.

“There’s just something about you today I can’t put my finger on…I don’t know what you’re doing, but keep doing it”

This compliment does a few things.
1) Doesn’t say what countless other people have said
2) Can be applied to anyone, any time, for any occasion

You might have heard the phrase, ‘there’s just something about them that makes them so ____”

This kind of compliment embodies that exact feeling- one that can’t be accurately expressed, but its present, palpable and appreciated.

The infinite conversation glitch

There’s a simple way to keep a conversation going for as long as you want.

Conversational fodder

“Where are you from?
“Romania, you?”
“Oh, nice…I’m from Greece”
“Oh, nice…nice weather and food”
“Yeah, Romania too”
“Yeah”

Wanted to shoot myself even as I was writing this.

The problem in this interaction is neither partner gave the other person any conversational ‘fodder’

“Where are you from?”
“Romania, you?”
“Greece”

(Sensing if I just leave it at ‘Greece’, the conversation takes a boring turn, I say)

“I really miss the food back home man…The food here in the Netherlands is so boring”

Now, my partner has some fodder to munch on.
They know I
1) Miss home
2) Like Greek food
3) Find Dutch food boring

So now they can reply with many different things like, “Damn, how long has it been since you moved here?”
or
“really, what’s Greek food like?”
or
“what? you think Dutch food is boring? I love it!”

The parrot

“What food do you like?”
“Oh, I absolutely love French food”
“French food?”
“French?”
“Yeah, I absolutely adore French pastry…croissants, mille feuille, that sort”
“Mille feuille?”
“Yeah, it literally translates to ‘thousand layers’, oh my God it’s soooo good”

All I did here was repeat the last thing the person said. After I do that, it’s implicitly assumed that they are to respond. They’ll happily elaborate because it makes it seem as though you’re genuinely interested.

Be weary of using this too much. They’ll eventually get tired of it.

The call out

A very simple way to make a quick connection is to point out the fact that you guys have something in common. Not just acknowledging it, but pointing it- the fact that ‘you and I’ have something in common most others don’t really care about.

“So, what do you do in your spare time?”
“aah, depends…usually BJJ, I’m really into combat sports”
“Really? I used to wrestle back in high school!”
“Damn, that’s sick!”
“Innit weird? We’re both in our thirties, married and enjoy combat sports..we’ve got so much in common…most people our age just lose that zest for physical activity, you know?”

By pointing it out, you cement the notion that ‘you are an individual who is different to the masses, thereby making you somewhat special’

‘When dealing with people, remember you’re not dealing with creatures of logic, but those of emotion”
-Dale Carnegie