Sheldon D Turtle
Sep 1, 2018 · 7 min read

The Musings Of Sheldon D Turtle, Part Eighteen; The Tale Of The Croatian National Flower

It was that time of year again, my least favourite day of the year; Benny’s birthday. It’s the one day of the year that I’m guaranteed to get ignored in favour of that odious, noodle brained ignoramus. And that’s exactly what happened! We were in Crow-aceya, in the town of Makarska, and I barely saw my beloved Alex the entire time! Then we travelled to a town called Split, and as soon as we arrived they both took off again! I had a plan this time though. I followed them through the streets (not in a creepy way, but in a loving and tender way), until they ended up at a restaurant, sitting outside underneath some large trees. This gave me an idea, so I grabbed a small stone and clambered up one of the trees, edging along a branch until I was directly below them. My plan was simple; I was going to drop the stone onto Benny’s head, hurting him but not killing him. He would then have to leave, and I could swan in and take his place. As I let go of the stone though, a gust of wind blew across the water, moving the stone ever so slightly. Instead of hitting Benny, as I intended, it landed on Alex’s sunglasses, which were on top of her head. Luckily she wasn’t hurt, but the sunglasses were damaged and had to be thrown out. In light of this, I decided to make myself scarce for a couple of days.

Eventually I decided it was time to re-emerge, and took up the offer of a trip to a town called Klis, which is supposed to have an old fortress, and if you know anything about turtles, it’s that they love old shit. Seriously, I’ve seen turtles forgo porn, and watch Antiques Roadshow instead. True story. It was a long bus journey, but eventually we arrived at our destination and I went off on my own, exploring. I found a cool cannon that looked like an excellent tanning bed, and a secluded room where I could practice my bartending skills. Apparently I make an excellent grasshopper.

Alas, as I was wandering around, tragedy struck! I was viciously attacked by a giant plant whose beady eyes clearly suggested that he wished me harm for no reason other than that I existed. Oh heartless leafy villain! Why must you torment me so!

Suffice to say that the thorns on this evil plant sliced open my poor, defenceless flipper, and caused me an incredible amount of pain. Don’t believe me? Look at this poor downtrodden, pain riddled mess of a turtle (but pay no attention to his flippers, which LOOK magically healed, but aren’t. I’m pretty sure it’s a trick of the light).

I required solace after that, and after a quick wander around, I spied something in the distance. Something delicious! I made my way over, my lips trembling with excitement. A beautiful flower! Just the thing I need to get over my pain and misery.

I’m not going to lie; I ate, and I ate well. Not a single skerrick of those flowers remained in the area when I was done. After gorging I decided to take a siesta, so I found a nice spot in the sun and lay down to enjoy the rest of my day.

It was at this point that Alex and Benny found me. Seeing the bits of flower scattered around my body, they asked what I’d done, and I admitted to my over indulgence. It was at this point that Benny said something that struck me to the very core of my soul. “Shelley, you realise that you just ate the national flower of Croatia, don’t you?” My heart skipped a beat, my forehead beading with sweat as I considered the consequences of what I’d done. It hadn’t even occurred to me that the flower had some importance to these people! After all, flowers are for eating, not for worship! The closest thing I’ve found to that kind of adulation was the case of an old acquaintance of mine, Bernard. He was a turtle whose egg got dropped a few too many times (if you catch my drift), because he was an odd sea creature, that’s for sure.

More than anything else, he loved to watch sea cucumbers. Now, sea cucumbers can occasionally be quite beautiful, but you don’t sit there and stare at them like some creeper while they go about their business. I’m not sure what that is that sea cucumbers do all day, in case you were wondering; sea cucumbers are a fairly snooty breed of sea creature, keeping mainly to themselves. Uppity little squints. Anyway Bernard loved them. He thought the world of them, and would happily spend hours staring at them. So if these Crow-aceyans were as fanatical about flowers as Bernard was about sea cucumbers, then we were in big trouble! Bernard? Well, one day he was so busy staring at a sea cucumber with beautiful black and white stripes, that he totally neglected his surroundings, and , well, he was eaten by a giant jellyfish. You know the ones I’m talking about; the massive ones from Japan that look like they would take over the planet if they had a single brain cell, which luckily they don’t. It just drifted it and snaffled him up like a candy, spitting out his shell three days later. Ugly business that, but that’s what you get for creepily staring at sea cucumbers. It’s just weird.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, eating the flowers. I was devastated, and my mind raced as I realised that I could be in real trouble, spending my life in prison for eating the sacred flower of Crow-aceya!

That was my future; locked up, the key thrown away, destined to never see my beloved Alex again. In desperation I ran away from Alex and Benny, hoping to save Alex the pain of seeing me dragged away by Crow-aceyan police, and decided that the only way to save myself was to go into hiding. I managed to find a little tower, but I still felt vulnerable as I looked around, so I decided to find a better spot.

I lost myself in the plants that were scattered around the lower part of the fortress, wondering when the sirens would sound, and my life as I knew it would cease.

I hid away for what seemed like an eternity, but it turns out that it was only five minutes. Alex and Benny found me, and the dunderhead admitted that he had been ‘exaggerating’, and that I probably hadn’t been munching on the national flower of Crow-aceya. Looking around it made sense, as there were exactly zero people running around in a crazed and agitated state, searching valiantly for me.

Alex and the nonce took me to get the bus home, and shared their popcorn with me. I was not a fan. It tasted like flowers; if they’d been blasted with heat to take away all their flavour, and salt added to drown out the horrific taste. No thank you.

Alex then gave me some grapes, and they were amazing! I had quite a few, and enjoyed them immensely.

Looking back, I learned a few things. First of all, Benny is an idiotic troglodyte who should never be trusted. Secondly, flowers are delicious, but grapes are a close second. I think there was something else as well, maybe about not freaking out over minor things, blowing them out of proportion when there was no need? No, I can’t think of it at the moment. Oh well, it’s gone now. It can’t have been a very important lesson. Now, I’m off to find some grapes, so you’ll have to entertain yourselves for a while. Bye!

Sheldon D Turtle

Written by

I’m a turtle trapped inside the body of a stuffed toy. No, seriously.

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