I (Think?) I Found the Answer to True Happiness.
I am leaving this country in 109 days. That might sound like a long time, but we all know that time passes super quickly, right? Do you remember that feeling of being in 12th grade (blast from the past :) ) and you had a few more months till school was over? Like completely over? I do not know how you felt, but there was a sense of numbness. Time was not moving. Life felt a bit stale and exciting at the same time. Well, that is how I feel with 109 days left of living in Israel after 12 years of living here.
I know it is time to leave. I feel ready for this step. However, I did not know that the preparation of leaving was both physical and mental. It is scary. The unknown is scary. Letting go of my current reality is frightening. I know the process is a bit difficult, I also know this process will end soon. One way or another, it will end. I will be settled down in a new home, in a new country, starting from scratch. I feel a sense of liberation in the horizon?
The hardest part for me at this stage, is friendship. Friends mean the world to me. I am that type of person that puts friends on a pedestal. I care and love every single friend of mine. The love I have for them is so deep, and so real, that to think I will live far away from them, breaks my heart.
I have always had an interesting experience and thought process when it came to friendship. I know that they do not owe me anything. I know it is not like a spouse, or even a family member. Friendship to me, is a connectedness with another soul, that you share life experiences with. When I feel distant from a friend, or feel hurt from a friends behavior, then the “connectedness” dissipates, leaving me in a state of anxiety and fear. Will I not be loved by them ever again? Am I just being paranoid? Is my intuition trying to tell me something? Yes, I too get confused.
Sometimes, having friends is like a game of poker. You really do not know what “cards/emotions” they have. Is it really my place to dig for answers? Friendship has always been a funky topic. I do not know fully how I feel about “friendships”, but I do know one thing, that I will miss my close friends that I made terribly.
I look back, and think of all the beautiful people I met in this country, and my heart feels so full. I can truly say I understand what LOVE means. I have never loved so deeply. I have never cared so much. I have never felt so belonged until I moved to Israel. The moment I landed here, when I was 17 years old, my confidence in “friendship” sky rocketed, and I will be eternally grateful for that.
People mean the world to me. Everywhere I go, I look around and think to myself, “ I care about every single one of you”. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I do. I deeply care about humans. I care about who they are, their emotions, their life experience and their feelings. I consider myself to be a deeply compassionate person, and as much as it caused me great joy in my life (as well as great pain!!), I would not have it any other way.