The Myth of the “Nice Guy”

“I’m a nice guy, but women don’t want that.”

“I’m so nice to her — why doesn’t she like me?”

“Women only want jerks who treat them like crap.”

How many times, ladies, have we heard these things? And I’m here to set the record straight.

Let me preface by saying, I like genuinely nice guys — and women, too, for that matter. Also, that there are a lot of truly nice guys out there (I happen to have one for a partner).

They aren’t the problem.

The problem is the multitude of men who claim to be that “nice guy,” while at the same time exerting an expectation that this means a woman should like them, should respond to them. Should be attracted to them or want to date them. And if she doesn’t, then it’s just because women don’t want nice guys.

Image from The Good Men Project (http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/sometimes-being-a-nice-guy-makes-you-into-a-jerk-hesaid/)

The men who somehow seem to think that by just being a decent human being—you know, that baseline of goodness, the absolute bare minimum of ethics and character toward others—that somehow this means women should respond to them the way that they want and expect them to.

I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit.

What these men need to understand is that there is an entirely different and separate realm between being kind, decent and, yes, nice—and the interest or response from a woman (or man) received toward them.

The two are not one thing.

If you check out the thesaurus, one of the synonyms for nice is “superior.” And that’s what these types of “nice guys” exhibit: a superiority, a sort of arrogance that because they act halfway decently with someone, that person somehow owes them and should be giving them exactly, in return, what they want.

That’s not niceness. That’s quid pro quo.

Courtesy of Nice Guy Dating (http://niceguydating.ca/)

For an example, check out this story I just read about a woman who was very up front and decent (gasp, perhaps she is a nice woman?) about her decision not to continue seeing a “nice guy.” Her exact words in a text to him were: “I had a fun time with you the other night, but I’ve done some thinking and I don’t want to see you again. It’s nothing to do with you, and I’m sorry if I mislead you.”

Not only did she tell him this honestly, instead of just ghosting him or making up excuses; but she even apologized and put the blame on herself—something women do far too often.

And this dude went ballistic in response.

Here’s a snapshot of some of his replies to her:

For real.

So once and for all, let’s set the record straight. Just being nice in the dating world, being a halfway kind and decent human being, treating someone with a modicum of respect—that should be the most basic thing you do just to call yourself an okay person. That’s called character, manners, ethics; and hopefully this is the same way you treat your friends, family members, and coworkers as well as your dates or people you are interested in romantically/sexually. (And by the way, this phenomenon can and does apply to women, too.)

It does not entitle you to anything. It is not a guarantee that you will be liked, found attractive, or that the object of your “niceness” owes you anything at all, other than to be decent to you in return.

And if you think otherwise, you are NOT a nice guy.

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