Even after a crazy night of drinking with friends and family, I drag my ass out of bed on Easter Sunday to have dinner at my mothers. In the back of my mind the whole time, I’m thinking of her. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. I try to focus on something else but I just can’t. All I want to do is go hang out with her. Even after dinner I am so damn tired and worn out from the night before that I should have really just gone home and had a lazy day myself but I didn’t cause I really wanted was to hang out before she leaves again for work for yet another week.

I love her. period. I do very much but as my partner in crime, my bff. I have and would do anything for her even if I didn’t feel the way I do. Friendships to me are like marriages. Thick n thin-better or worse etc etc. no matter what. If the friendship is worth anything, nothing can take it away or change it. nothing.

I have to focus on getting these thoughts out of my head. I know this. I am me and she is she. I can’t change that. I respect her very much but sometimes my urge is so great I feel like I am going to burst. My heart races. I feel antsie. I hold back from not just saying “fuck it” and taking her right there. Anywhere. Kitchen counter. Dining Table. Couch. Bed. Door way. The fucking floor!

I focus. I do deep breathing, play with my hair a lot and calm myself down. I usually look away and take my focus of all of her. Even when at any given moment she gives off this...I don’t know what to call it….sex appeal/desire. Maybe its because I do know what she wants and how she wants it. Why? Cause she told me. I have to keep focus that even if I do think I can give her what I know. Well…I just can’t..I guess. I’m kinda missing something. I mean not really, mine just come in a overnight bag.

But…at the end I have to focus on stopping myself. I have never felt this way before and I have never really been good at focusing. But I must.