If only I had a Penis
I receive a call and all I hear is pain coming from the other side. My heart breaks hearing her, vent, yell, cry, doubt herself, being treated like this. Knowing that she is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever come across in my entire life. She is intellectually stimulating, hysterically stimulating and visually stimulating.
We talk face to face at one point and to watch her question herself is the hardest things I can watch. I just want to scream at her and tell her what an amazing human she is. Her soul and heart is truly one of a kind. She is an amazing mother. Her kids are sincerely great kids, and I love them through and through. I don’t scream at her how absolutely wonderful she is, I merely talk normal to her as a friend should and tell her that. If I scream I might show my true feelings towards her and say something I shouldn’t. I can not. This is something I just can not do. Period.
Especially, when she says, “People just want to fuck me and not love me.” OH my god my heart just hit my feet on that one. Crushing to hear your straight BFF say that knowing that you have feelings for, say that. All I could do is look away and take glances at her to make eye contact just enough to insure her that everything is going to be ok and I understand her pain. All in all, what are BFFs for? Love.compassion. friendship. understanding. That’s it.
The more I am around her, the more my feelings come to the surface that I have had for years now. I thought they might have been just a sexual thing for her. I didn’t know they really existed but apparently they do. I guess having the respect for your BFF and her marriage keeps things dormant. I didn’t even know this until now.
I am her gay BFF. Nothing I can do with that. Nothing but to set aside my feelings towards her and be there as a friend should because nothing will change, she is her and I am me.
If only I had a penis it might be different and I could treat her the way she should be treated every second, every minute and every day for the rest of her existence as she truly deserves. Some times it is that “one thing” that holds people back from getting what they rightfully deserve and that is sincere love.