Don’t Judge Judy Yourself
At the end of a long day full of tantrums, snuggles and poop on the wall (my day today), does this scene sound familiar?
“OH. MY. GOD. I cannot believe I just ate ALL of that. I am so gross. Why did I do that? What is wrong with me? And, I worked out at the gym today!! What a waste. I must be the only one who has this problem. UGH. (kind of like the character “Disgust” on the movie Inside Out).
THEN. To top it all off, you eat even more to deal with the guilt and shame. Because guilt and shame hurt. And sugar doesn’t. (at least in the short-term).
But guess what? It’s really our brains responding exactly the way they were designed — to favor pleasure and avoid danger. It’s how we’ve survived as a species.
Just a friendly reminder…you’re not alone. If I had a doll-ah for every time I traveled down this road, I’d be sailing on a yacht in the Hamptons while my pool boy fetched me another chocolate truffle.
It’s what I call Judge Judy-ing yourself. I think we can all hear her voice in our head when she’s shaming those defendants in court. Don’t get me wrong — I love me some Judy, and the borderline rude and demeaning tone she uses may arguably be appropriate and/or necessary (for entertainment) on court TV.
I couldn’t help but share a few doozies, just in case you’re not familiar with her work.
Famous Judge Judy Quotes:
“Verdict: MORON”
“Do I have stupid written all over my forehead?”
“Do you feel as if you’re getting whipped? (laughs) You sure are!”
“What would prompt you to do something so stupid?”
“You’re an a$$hole. Case dismissed!”
I think you get the jist. Now, if you want to stay stuck in the binge/restrict cycle, then you should definitely talk to yourself like Judge Judy talks to her peeps in court. But, I’d like to remind you of something.
You are not on trial, my friend. You are innocent. All that guilt is a lie. You’ve convicted yourself of a crime you didn’t commit.
Observe with a Capital “O”
The next time you find yourself in a pool of brownie batter, I would lovingly encourage you to kick Judge Judy out of your courtroom and replace her with say, Mother Teresa. In more practical terms, I want you to practice changing your reaction to the situation. Instead of being the criticizer, I want you to become the Observer (capital “O” cuz it’s super important).
Becoming the Observer means being aware enough to pull yourself out of the quicksand of emotions you’re sinking in to observe how you are reacting to it.
It means giving yourself an arms-length distance between the reality of the situation (what’s true) and your inner critic (what’s false).
Like, in your mind’s eye, I want you to physically walk away from yourself and compassionately observe the situation (kind of like a loving ghost). It’s a practice some of my favorite authors like Deepak Chopra and the late Wayne Dyer encourage their readers to do.
Objectively observing and gathering information about a situation seems easier when we’re doing it for someone else. You’ve experienced this.
Another mom comes to you and is very upset because she just stumbled upon a spoiler alert for House of Cards (or in my case, The Making of a Murderer, also on Netflix). .
You remind her to take a deep breath, and calmly ask questions about her situation (are you sure it was a spoiler alert? Can you make sure that what you saw is accurate? Was it an internet hoax?). You do not flip out, start crying, and join her in her meltdown; because in this situation you are the observer (And that would also not be at all helpful!).
If Not Judge Judy, Then Who?
Here’s how this applies in real life. Instead of the snarky, judgmental (Judge Judy) tone you’d typically berate yourself with, your reaction to a Pringles binge could go something like this (remember — think Mother Theresa):
Observe + Be Curious. I just ate so much food. Interesting. BREATHE and be curious. I wonder why I did that? Am I tired? Scared? Lonely? Pause. BREATHE AGAIN.
Feel. Experience the big feelings, let them wash over you. They are not permanent. They have to be felt before they can exit. Otherwise, they will resurface, I promise.
Forgive. Give yourself some grace. God gives us grace. Who are we to withhold it from ourselves? 😉
Do. Leave the scene and do something pleasurable.
Talk. Communicate with yourself the way you might talk to your daughter when she is upset and overwhelmed.
I won’t sugarcoat it. Changing this conversation in your head does take practice. We’ve trained our brain to react a certain (negative) way for so long, that it will take some time to retrain it to react in a different (nurturing and positive) way. I promise, it is worth the effort and the wait.
Cliff’s Notes
Say NO to Judge Judy and YES to Mother Teresa. .
Binges are not a sign of laziness or lack of willpower.
Compassionately observe yourself.
Talk kindly to yourself, with love + patience (maybe swap out Judge Judy with Mother Theresa?)
You are worthy of that and so much more.
