Like a Family, But Without Me
Last night after one of my most treasured moments of the year, my daughters dance recital, they changed out of their sparkling costumes into comfortable clothes in the bathroom outside the auditorium. We walked to the car where they tossed their dance bags, worn costumes, tights, ballet slippers and jazz shoes then turned to hug and kiss each other goodbye. For a week.
They climbed into their dad’s car and waved as they drove off for a family vacation at the beach where we’ve summer vacationed for their whole lives. And I drove home alone.
For the next seven days, they will be a family on vacation, but without me, their mom, because we are divorced. There will be a mom and her two children and a dad and our two children and they will be a family on vacation.
I am feeling…….something. I don’t have a word for what I am feeling.
Weird? Strange? I don’t know. I just feel something.
The thing is I am not against this. I am happy that my daughters are having this time with their dad to bond, relax, enjoy each other’s company without the daily pressures and tensions that come with the hustle of life. I am happy they get to just be together. I feel like I mostly happy that their dad has chosen a partner that is kind, gentle and loving towards our children. She is sweet and calm. They enjoy her. They like being with her and her children. For this I am grateful. Very, very grateful. It could be worse. It could be horrible. She could be horrible.
But it’s not. It’s good. She’s good. I am lucky he chose her. We all are.
Last night as I closed my eyes on the end of the day my thought was….”I chose this.”
I asked for this divorce after 20 years of marriage, raising children and residing together. I’d lost hope in our relationship ever being what I needed it to be. There were issues that felt like they could not be overcome. I’d tried. I just couldn’t endure it any longer. My heart finally closed and the marriage could not be saved.
Coming to that decision I never envisioned this week happening. I never thought about it at all. As the separation and divorce proceeded I didn’t ponder moments like this or what it would feel like to spend whole weekends without them, shuttling bags of clothes to and fro, kissing them goodbye for a week to go to Hawaii for their uncles wedding or a week in San Diego to celebrate the woman who was my mother in law, a family I was part of for 20 years, without me. I didn’t think about how it would feel somewhere down the line when my children would be a family on vacation, but without me. Another woman as mother.
But it happens. It’s happening right now and I feel……..something, unable to name.
As the separation and divorce proceeded, we tried to make it as gentle on our children as we possibly could by being kind to each other, respectful, and united as parents, no matter what. We even went to counseling at the beginning to try to ease the tension and open up communication. Something we never did when we were married. We were all suffering. We wanted our children to suffer less. Add to the divorce a five year run of emotional adversity, that caused more suffering, chaos, confusion, and pain, our son’s two closest friends died two years apart in car accidents, our daughter’s best friend had a two year battle with brain cancer, both of my parents died 3 months apart, we battled a raging addiction to prescription drugs with one of our children. We are battle worn. We just want peace for ourselves and our children. Ease. Gentle. Calm.
Our kids didn’t choose to get divorced. They didn’t expect it and they didn’t deserve to be subjected to more pain because we couldn’t be peaceful. I figure this is just the beginning of how its going to be. They have a lifetime of special moments coming down the pike. Graduations, Weddings, Babies. A lifetime of Birthdays, Christmas’s and Thanksgivings to celebrate and they don’t deserve to suffer those worrying or stressing about how their mom and dad are going to treat each other on their special days. We are always going to be connected as parents of these children. The best gift we can give them in this situation is our peace.
In the grand scheme of things, having a good relationship with a woman who could potentially be my children’s step mom is important to me for the reasons stated above. We have a lifetime of special moments coming down the pike, a lifetime of holidays and celebration and I don’t want a single one to be tainted when they can be joyful, loving, peaceful and connected.
I refuse to sacrifice my own enjoyment of these moments with bitterness.
This morning I am feeling……something.
My children are on vacation. Like a family, but without me.
All I can think is…..”I chose this but I don’t regret it.”
I hope they have fun. I hope their relationship with their dad deepens, grows and cements the way girls need their dads to be for them. In the way that makes them feel loved and connected.
And I am grateful he chose who he chose for a partner and she is who she is and they like her.
Even if she isn’t me.
Feeling something, unable to name,
Shelly