Freeflow: I guess I’m afraid of rejection.
Stress if such an easy thing to come by these days. We live in an age of where anything slow is unwanted: slow internet, slow mail service, slow responses. And you either get stressed by trying to be fast, or get stressed because you’re too slow. It’s a lose-lose.
It’s finals week over at this freshman’s college. Only three finals, only two days, yet the past few days have become a living hell for me. It’s no secret that I have a fragile disposition. Something as small as forgetting a folder or my glasses is enough to throw me into an emotional roller coaster. Or the way I look. Oh, this man is obsessed by the way he looks (hint: not that good right now).
I’ve been good though. For the past few weeks everything was just barely balancing, but it was balancing. I was working out, eating better (I think), making money, being productive, (mostly) sleeping better. But I overcommitted, and it backfired. I had essentially created a Rube Goldberg machine of disaster, with the last piece being me.
That sounds super overly-dramatic. I’m good at that. I knew I was happiest when I was busy. I told others that. “Life’s good, college is busy, work is busy, but it keeps me from being distracted.” And there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being busy. But if it keeps you from addressing core personal problems, that’s an issue.
“I don’t have time for that,” I’d keep telling myself. But you know, sooner or later, whatever issue you’re pushing to the side (whether successfully or not) will come back an enormous vengeance.
So finals came along. Here I was, trying to meet project deadlines, and I had to cancel. I hadn’t been keeping up with my classes and I hadn’t been getting enough sleep. I had three days, 72 hours of work already pre-scheduled, and somehow I had to fit in a ten-paged paper and study for three finals. I was pretty good at BSing things, but not that good.
I bailed. I cancelled all my work and set out to do my first semester at school justice. I did, but not without a waterfall of thoughts that needed to be gone just about then. I did, but not well.
Okay, back to logistics. Let’s try and stitch up all the loose thoughts in this blog post somehow.
Rejection. I had overcommitted, overpromised, because I was so focused on being “that guy.” I wanted to prove it to myself, that I was special, that I could be better. Now I can, but that doesn’t come just because I or someone else wants it to.
It’s funny how many nights it takes to become an overnight success.
Same thing with clothes, with my appearance. I’m afraid to be rejected by others. That’s right, I care about people who are never going to cross my life, who don’t give a shit about how successful I want to be, and who probably didn’t even glance my way. That’s absurd! It took me awhile to get to that conclusion, but I’ll tell you, when your brain isn’t conscious of reasons like that, the fear of not being accepted can literally be debilitating.
Self-analyzing myself here, I think it stems from having broken dreams as a child. I had lots of dreams as a child that I was unable to see to fruition. I’ve had lots of dreams as an adult that I’ve been too afraid to pursue. Your past plays a much bigger role on your present than you might think.
Now that I understand myself better, I just have to figure out how not work so hard to be accepted. I’m working on that as we speak. Maybe I’ll write another blog post on that! :)
- Give yourself time to self-reflect. It’s important.
- Appreciate busyness. If you have to do something now in the middle of a rush of emotions, that’s okay. Push them aside and beast whatever project you’re working on. But also understand that you’ll have to deal with them later (in fact, this is a healthy approach especially if you’ve suddenly experienced your mid-life crisis in the middle of a social setting).
- It’s okay to be sad, down, depressed. Don’t judge yourself for judging yourself — it’s just a vicious cycle. Give yourself time to figure things out.
- Don’t overcommit. Don’t. I heard the phrase “underpromise, overdeliver” a few years ago but have failed to truly make it my life motto.
- Everything’s going to be okay. Unless you’ve committed a serious crime in the process, you’ll be okay. You’ll do better. Promise yourself you’ll do better. In a few days, a week, a month, a year, ten years — whatever you do, make sure you’re not hyperanalyzing the heck out of something to the point of unrealism. I think you get my drift.
- Don’t write a blog post when you should be studying.
That’s all folks, hope you took away something good for my crazy jumble of words today. I hope you’re having an awesome whatever-day-you’re-reading-this-on.
Off to ace a Latin final.
Sending positive vibes your way,
A stream-of-consciousness document that could probably use a few edits.