I am not my …
Do you remember that song; I am not my hair; I am not the skin; I am the Soul that lives within. — India Arie.
I loved this song when it was released years ago and still do. In fact, I love it more now that I know what the words mean and how it resonates with me.
For as long as I can remember, my lack of hips and hairy skin have been an issue to me. Of all the changes my body experienced during puberty, the emergence of hips was not a part of the package. Having hairy skin wasn’t so much of a big deal initially, I’d console myself that I liked the “fine hair, sleepy feel” of it, until society and glossy magazines made it further hard for me to accept that I was different. I started to think of what female skin should look like and make comparisons to mine. Every year of my growth, I always fell short. I’d ogle other ladies’ skin and pass my judgement, often times I was the one to be sent to the gallows and others whom I thought were like me (hairy) also got the same treatment I meted to myself, basically; we didn’t fit in.
Don’t even get me started on when I see women with well-rounded hips. I think to myself, how? How did you get so lucky? I bet your pair of trousers fit good and you don’t have a funny flap at the crotch ‘cos your hips spread the width well. How did your body get so perfect? How? How can I get my body fat to settle in that area too? It didn’t help that I didn’t grow taller than 5.2 feet, so my body mass sometimes makes me look stocky (otherwise known as compressed, lol) but only when I’m overweight. That straight feel at my hips didn’t sit well with me for a looong time. Again, to me; it didn’t fit the idea of a woman’s body and most of my encounters with other ladies further confirmed my thoughts. I should say at this juncture that; my 3-year-old niece looks like she’s gon have hips when she grows up. I try not to think about it too much. Lmao!
Over the years, I have gotten used to these two “anomalies” of my body. So I moved on by wearing skirts, pants/trousers that fit my body type and also by waxing my skin and getting the perfect hairless skin I sooo desired. In fact, I got so used to waxing that, I’d feel funny when I see hair on my body, and be like I need to get it off as soon as I get the time. Not anymore though. I weaned myself off such anxiety and judgmental feelings by deliberately staying off waxing my body for a period of time and in those periods, I’d tell myself I am fine as I am and gradually got used to my body like so. Although, I still look forward to getting the laser hair removal treatment in my near future to put this to a final rest.
As for my lack of hips, hmmm, that’s the tricky part. You see, I have the pear body shape. This is where weight gained reflects on the upper body — shoulders, back, chest (breasts), stomach and sometimes bum. I realized that I can’t do much in that area except watch my weight. I noticed that, the more weight I lost, the more proportionate my upper body looks to my lower body. I will also continue with the squats and donkey kicks; perhaps I’d wake up when I’m forty and find hips!! Yasss!
All of these go back to genes. My sisters and I have my Mum’s body frame and her Mum had the same. Perhaps the hips gene got lost three generations ago and here I am clamoring for it. Sigh. Althoughhh, I have cousins that have hips. Hmmm! I smell foul play. (You know yourselves!) Also, I had to at some point, accept me for my hip-less and hairy skin self. (Especially as I do not complain of all the full and lush hair on my head).
I further say to myself that, I can’t have it all, and I secretly laugh at ladies with hips and bum without boobs, like good for youuuu! Hahaha!).
Honestly though, think of the most troubling thing about you that makes you uncomfortable, judgmental of yourself and others or ashamed. This thing must be a part of you that you absolutely have no control over; say your feet, set of teeth, or lips. And say to yourself; I am not my feet/set of teeth/lips; because You, my darling, truly aren’t. You are the soul that lives within; and what a fine soul it is. (Hugs)