This was beautiful and haunting. I wish there was an easy formula where someone can say “do this, then this, then that, and everything will fall in to place.” I don’t know that formula. I don’t know that there is one anymore. All that I can say is that this resonated with me so hard and that I keep typing words and then deleting because they feel pathetic and trite and pointless. I hope that things get better for you and soon. For all that you believe your mother was a fighter and a survivor so are you. It’s probably not easy to see it when you’re sitting in the middle but you are.