“It Takes a Village to Raise a Child.” — African Proverb. Here’s Why It’s True.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Does this sound familiar?

You’ve heard the advice a million times.

I’ve heard it so much, I’m nearly deaf in one ear. OK, so slight exaggeration.

But it’s true.

We can’t do this thing called parenting all on our lonesome.

But what does it even mean? What village are they talking about and who are these villagers?

Well, it is said that the proverb is of African origin, having variations in different tribes across the Continent. It can also be found to have roots in Native America.

The point is, and like with most old sayings, we don’t know where exactly these words were uttered first, but of course there is an element of truth or these words wouldn’t have stood the test of time.

What we probably do know, is that these words were said by someone very wise and very old.

Thank you, old, wise, ancient one for bestowing upon us these words of pure wisdom.

So, what am I talking about?

Long gone are the times of the actual village lifestyle where we all lived in huts on the same bit of land and sold our daughters for cattle. For most of us anyway, shout out to the Himba tribe of Namibia.

We now live in an age where we are more inter-connected than ever, but also more isolated. We live in smaller family units often with our extended family in different cities.

The times have even changed from when we were younger, when it wasn’t an issue to play outside or chat to your local shop keeper, who gave you free fruit salads and blackjacks from time to time.

What I mean is, this village we are talking about? Where is it?

Because I know that for most of us, if we were to open our front door, all we would see is strangers.

The importance of making connections as a parent

We can’t teach them everything, as much as we’d like to think we can.

If we want our children to be successful, well-adjusted and productive adults with excellent coping skills and relationships.

Then we need to take full advantage of the enriching experiences that can be offered to our children through meaningful relationships with people besides ourselves.

Some of these ‘villagers’ include:

• Educators
• Immediate and extended family
• Friends (your child’s and yours)
• Neighbours
• Even hairdressers and barbers

We owe it to our children to allow them to experience far more than we ever did as a child and to give them that sense of belonging and community.

That’s how humanity works.

We’ll talk more in another post on how making and maintaining community connections are great for your child’s emotional and social development, but you can read more about that here.

“There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings.” — Hodding carter

Think about all the seemingly brief connections you’ve made throughout your life.

And I mean really think? Even your dinner lady.

There are quite a few people that have helped mould who you see in the mirror today.

I could tell a story about parts of me that have been shaped by my interactions with these people.

It’s at this point you realise… They were your village.

But you know what else?

It’s not just about the kids…

For your own sanity

I mean, parents are people too, right?

What do we want?

Sleep!

When do we want it?

When the kids allow?

Having a community that wholly supports you and cares for the well-being of you and your child is even more important as parents continue to struggle with their mental health.

You are not alone.

And. Let. Me. Tell. You. DEPRESSION IS REAL.

It is crippling.

And it can really make parenting even harder than it already is.

For those of you that have had that feeling of drowning, I feel you, and I’m here for you if ever you want to talk.

Please also seek help if you are struggling with these emotions and we can explore these feelings in a later post.

For those that haven’t, I pray you never do, and I’m super proud of you for bossing one of the hardest jobs out there.

But here’s the problem.

That all important ‘me-time’ is so elusive as a parent.

We’ve all been there.

Do any of you remember the last time you sat on the toilet in peace? I can tell you that in my house, bathroom visits are a family affair.

Self-care is super essential when raising little humans. It can help you feel yourself again, give you time to regroup and remind you of that person you were before you were affectionately named Mummy and Daddy.

We’ll talk more about ways to stay sane later.

But first, a story:

My daughter calls me over, with her back to me. At this time, we are at the lakes having a picnic, sun is shining, birds are tweeting, that kind of thing.

I walk over to my daughter and look at her face. It’s radiant. It’s beaming. She’s smiling from ear to ear as she shows me something in her hands.

I look down and I kid you not, she has the biggest, ugliest god damn beetle crawling along her wrist, winking at me as it makes a break for her sleeve.

I smile and say, “Wow! How CUTE! Now let’s put it back with its family so they can have dinner.”

It took so much strength for me not to shake it off her hand screaming or give her any inclination that my skin just recoiled to the back of my head.

The moral of this story?

I was so honoured to be a witness to her fascination.

And do you know why?

Because my daughter’s love for nature didn’t come from me or her dad. It came from her Godmother. A friend of mine I like to call Mother Earth. She is the embodiment of nature and love for all beings and I love her even more that she taught my daughter a new appreciation of the world that I could not have nurtured in her.

Do you see where we’re going with this?

A child needs to see that they have other people in their lives that they can trust and confide in.

Let’s not kid ourselves here. No pun intended.

Parenting is hard.

Whoever tells you it isn’t, is straight up lying to your face.

We face new challenges with our kids Every Single Day.

And none of us were given an instruction manual when we brought home these tiny people.

We need all the help we can get. For ourselves and for our children. We owe it to them to make fulfilling and rewarding relationships with our fellow human beings.

To show them how to be as an adult and that relationships are a two-way street.

So how do you expand your village?

It’s pretty obvious once you think about it.

• Reach out to family and friends and stay connected.

That’s the hard part. It’s easy not to reply for a few days or cancel social engagements because, kids. We’ve all done it. Sorry Nan.

But take heed:

Those people would be happy to be involved in your life. To help you with bedtime after a long day or lug that slide, scooter and pushchair to the park with you.

Remember, life is for making connections and don’t shut them out because you think your parenting lifestyle is an inconvenience to them.

• Use your local childcare centre

They have countless mother and child groups for babies, toddlers and older kids too. You’ll find parents in the same stage of parenthood as yourself. They also offer other resources such as volunteering opportunities and employment and training help.

Check what centres are local to you and what’s on throughout the week. If you’re in Birmingham you can find what’s on near you here and here.

Or check here for children’s centres in other cities in the UK.

• Nursery and school friends

Make contact with the parents of your kids’ friends at the educational setting your child attends. Whether that’s a nursery, a playgroup or school.

Surprisingly enough the kids are so chuffed that their parents are friends with their best friends’ parents too. And it makes evenings out a lot easier to plan without having to sort out multiple babysitters. Kids love a sleepover. Am I riiigght?

• Your neighbours

As hard as it is to make friends as an adult, some of my neighbours have become my closest friends and I have known them less than a year.

Invite them to your child’s parties if they have kids themselves, encourage them to play out together if you are comfortable with that or offer to help carry in that wardrobe you see them struggling with.

Where has the community spirit gone?

• Online forums such and Mumsnet, Netmums or your local Facebook groups

If you are more of an introvert like myself, it can be hard talking to new people face to face, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a community out there for us.

Browse your parenting Facebook groups or check out the local group on Mumsnet.

They often have regular meetups and you can get to know some of the parents beforehand by chatting to them online.

But the bottom line is this:

We can’t do this on our own.

Now go out there and use that village and find your community today, for both your child’s development and your own sanity.