Goodbye is so permanent

Musings on a Suicide

I see how the trees are popping
That neon green peculiar to April
Effervescent even in the soft grey rain
(And I read your obituary, almost like a side note)
Almost like watching with night vision goggles
Glowing, really, the new life

* * * *

I see your face, floating up
Bloated, although you didn’t drown
Like the movies white faced, swollen,
Eyes opened pale, vacant and wide
Fleeing soul screaming in pain
But better than the reality

I picture your children in sepia
Easier than their vibrant beings
I wonder how they’ll remember daddy
In the unending days and nights and years
Childhood is so hard in the best of times
I’m sure you were aware of that

* * * *

You were always so physical
Hulking, imposing, and now
Nothing?

I choose to remember you
Watching football, basketball, NASCAR
Building houses, carrying loads
Guess they got too heavy
I don’t mean it to sound trite

* * * *

I can’t say I knew you well
(I suppose we’re all saying that)
Can’t say that I understand
How you could hurt so many, so much
What does it mean that I dream of your footsteps?

(I see you in the trail you left
The pain you left behind;
I find it unforgiveable
But who or what I am not sure)

* * * *

The leaves are gleaming again today
A little less fresh, a little more faded than yesterday
I wait for the azaleas

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