Holy hell. That was riveting in a 10-car pileup sort of way. Benjamin (Ben?) I don’t even know where to start.
I’ve been to that same jumping-off point, but not taken the leap. Since then, it’s occurred to me on occasion but I’ve now found the things I love too much to leave. Have you found those things yet? Do the people you love (and love you) know how you feel? Have you talked to a professional? I don’t mean to spout platitudes, as I know that constant weight on your chest that holds you down, but I also know that there is so much to live for, as well. It was hard to find — some days harder than others. Obviously people here on Medium care deeply for you. I’m sure there are many others “up close and personal,” though sometimes the connection just feels lost. It’s not.
I look forward to your upcoming pieces, but please — Please — if you ever find yourself standing on the edge again, reach out. To me, to Ezinne, Tremaine, or whomever might help. Hope you find your peace!