Ré, I hope you have some idea by now how much I respect and adore you, and apologize profusely that my words gave you pain. I also very much respect Son of Baldwin, and have probably read the vast majority of his stuff here. I was not trying to be condescending to him or make a value judgment.
I was shaking as I wrote my response to him, shaking as I hit Publish, shaking all day, shaking as I write this. I have no wish to upset someone I care about, and I think I really do have some understanding — certainly on an intellectual level, and to some degree at least on an emotional level — what a slap in the face Justine’s case has been to the black community. At the end of the day, though, I still feel like “fuck Justine” diminishes his humanity in the same way that whites who say “fuck Philandro” are diminished, and it saddens me. I don’t want that for anyone. (Nor do I understand how it accomplishes his goals in writing, other than to draw more attention, but that is yet another discussion.)
Did I use the best words? I don’t know, I certainly tried. I’m also not sure, even if I spent a year writing an entire novel, there there are “best words” from a white person; I don’t know that the level of trust is there for many people of color (as in, any level), which I can certainly understand given the “decades as a black person in America,” as you put it. One thing I have known for decades, is that if I were black, I would be very hard pressed to trust a white person, regardless of anything they could possibly say. I have felt incredibly blessed that I have had a couple of black friends who trusted me enough to share their deepest thoughts.
But… Although this trust thing is so very difficult, I feel like some level of trust is necessary if we (that is, the broader “we,” people of all races working together) are to chip away at this hideous behemoth that is racism. I have hit my head against this “trust wall” repeatedly and don’t know how we get there. It’s especially hard online, rather than face to face. In fact, I can’t count the number of times people have spilled their guts here (related to race or any other number of issues), been seemingly close to some people, and then ripped each other’s throats out over what seems to be a simple misreading. Being “too honest” quite frankly scares the bejesus out of me, but it seems necessary if humanity is to make progress. I will throw my heart on a dart board if I think it serves a broader purpose, and take what comes.
Certainly in all of my close relationships I have to feel like we can be honest with each other. I don’t just want to be patted on the back, I want to hear when they have an issue with me, and I should be able to do the same (with all due kindness and sensitivity, of course). That doesn’t always mean we’ll agree, but we’ll understand where the other person is coming from and still respect each other. I feel like you’ve extended me that courtesy several times, and I am grateful.
Where am I going with all of this? I’m not even sure at the moment. I am upset and concerned, I tend to wear that stupid heart on my sleeve, and of course I love you. I want to do whatever I can to make your load lighter, as a black person in a sucky world and even more so as someone I call Friend. And the broader issue isn’t even about me, it’s about the best ways for all of us to see and treat each other like equal human beings. I feel like open, honest dialog — again, with sensitivity and kindness — is the best way to get there, but it’s entirely possible that race relations aren’t ready for that on a broad spectrum. As always, I value your opinion.
Side note: I thought about responding as a PM but it was simply too long. If you wish to respond and would rather a private discussion, I’m happy to email. ❤ ❤ ❤
