I didn’t realise I was mourning…
Have you ever gone through a period where you knew what you were doing, but everything just doesn’t feels right? Your rational brain knows the steps the body needs to take but your heart just tells you that this isn’t the place you want to be?
I just recovered from a 3 month period of mourning. No, no one died touch wood, but going through a so-called smaller loss did not make it any easier. The loss came to me when I realise that I needed to significantly alter the path that worked well for me last year. You see, I run a microschool, and had a good run of classes I organised last year.
When programming for this year, I realised that a lot of my classes will no longer be running, primarily due to the lack of students. Initially, I had a sense of panic, because of the lack of clarity what I will be doing or offering.
For many days, I sat through periods of stillness while harbouring a chaotic heart. I repeated mantras in my head, “It’s okay to feel this discomfort, it’s okay to have feelings like this.” But no matter how much I tried to practice my mindfulness, it did not work. Or rather, it worked for that moment, but the feeling of loss and sadness quickly came back.
Soon after, I made a plan on what I’d do in the new year. It was a pretty good plan. By good, I mean ambitious, a plan that would probably take up…
